Bus from Hell

Bangkok to Pattaya, Thailand

Decided to leave Bangkok for a few days to spread out through Thailand a little bit more. Due to travel requirements and limited time, I've decided not to go for Vietnam or Laos right now. Other travelers have convinced me that I really need more time, so those countries will have to wait.

As a last minute decision, we went to Pattaya, Thailand. It is about 2 hours outside of Bangkok. That is, if you don't take the Bus from Hell–which was our second mistake. The first was drinking a bottle of water and a 20oz. soda before boarding but we'll get to that later.

We took a bus from the Ekkamai bus station but after getting on, it became evident that this was not the bus that the internet was suggesting we board. So, we immediately attempted to get off but the driver persistently insisted that this was in fact the bus to Pattaya. I knew I was about to be taken for a ride, both in the literal sense and in the way that means that these folks just wanted my money. But....when in Rome--I mean, Thailand...

It was an experience. A miserable one. We got on a bus that clearly read, Bangkok-Pattaya. It had 4 people on it including ourselves. It was a charter bus circa the 1980s with broken seats and iffy air conditioning. After we boarded and a man came back to collect the fare from us but did not produce a receipt. I thought we were supposed to go straight to Pattaya but after only ten minutes aboard this bus (and 5 more stops) we were ushered out and onto another bus that was NOT labeled Bangkok-Pattaya. English was not spoken and all we wanted was to be sure we were going to the right place and not being charged twice. This person (I am honestly not sure if they were male or female but they weren't trying to help solve that riddle, in the least) was in charge of collecting fares but we had to explain that we weren't paying again. They seemed to agree and left it alone. This bus had about 6 people on it with more than 30 open seats. It was an up/downgrade because though this bus seemed to have more of an early-90s flare to it with at least some decent seats, it was plagued with mosquitoes, ants, and I even saw a roach.

As we got back on the traffic-ridden road, I stretched out across my seats to rest. Two minutes later, That attendant came to the back of the bus and started yelling at me in tongues and communicated that I am only to take up one seat as I'd only paid for one ticket. I looked around at the empty bus and frowned at the absurdity of it but I sat up. My bag was on the seat beside me and the attendant signaled that it needed to be on the floor because I hadn't paid for that seat. Ummm, did you see that roach and its ant cousins having a party on the floor? Wasn't happening. I didn't move it and eventually s/he went back to the front of the bus.

I laid on my two seats with my bag as a pillow until the urge to pee came. Of course, there was no bathroom on this beat-down bus, nor were they offering to stop. I was afraid that if I did get off, I'd get left in the middle of nowhere. I had an empty cup that I tried to pee in–I did a pull-to-the-side maneuver but I had some mental block that just wouldn't allow me to let it flow! There was SO much pressure built up on my poor little bladder but I couldn't go. I know that if I were in a restroom it would have been Niagara Falls before I'd even had the time to squat. It was so frustrating! I've never had performance anxiety like this before.

We continued to stop everywhere–just random places along the side of the road where locals were standing. At one point, a taxi dropped of a load of five kids who jumped out of his cab and boarded our bus. It was getting more crowded up front but people were getting on and off like this was a city bus, not a charter. NO ONE wanted to sit near the Americans. We were in the back and they avoided us like the plague. They doubled up with strangers up front before taking empty rows anywhere near the likes of us. I was completely consumed with the fact that I had to pee so badly and that the closer they filled to the back, the less likely I was to be able to give the side maneuver another go. The attendant kept coming back and trying to move my bag but I still wasn't having that. I tried to ask about a toilet but s/he didn't respond. After 2.5 hours I asked how much longer to Pattaya and s/he said, "two hours." WHAT?!?!? Quit being all money-hungry and stopping this bus for every stray dog on the road and take me to Pattaya! It was supposed to be a two-hour ride.

Once, we stopped at a bus terminal and the attendant ran off. I thought s/he was going to collect more people but wouldn't you just know it: They went for a freakin' bathroom run! Without notifying anyone else! I wanted to strangle the attendant. S/he knew I was bout to bust a gut. Evil thoughts patrolled my head from there on out. Not to mention that they turned on the TV and put the volume up so loud that I couldn't possibly ignore it. They would play 5 minutes of a movie (with audio written over in Thai) and then change it. Then they played a video of some concert with local celebrities, I guess. Terrible. I tried to sleep to forget my woes, but as if on queue, the attendant appeared out of nowhere and opened my curtains. Why?!?! The sun was about to set. These curtains were itty bitty and only affected my seat! It's 6pm and I'm trying to sleep. Leave me alone! Then, s/he put my bag on the floor. Grrrrr. I swatted at mosquitoes the whole time I was on there, and my bladder is now so stretched out so much that it is easily capable of holding a full-sized watermelon.

The whole ride was over in just under four painful hours that felt more like four days. They kicked us off on the side of the highway with no signage to indicate that this was Pattaya or that this was an actual bus stop. Because of course, it wasn't. We got off and after walking a mile and a half down dark and deserted streets, I found a restaurant to relieve myself! I don't have to explain to you how terrific that felt. Thank you, Waiter at that restaurant who was so nice and understanding! You saved me from an early sentence to wearing Depends!

Then it was time to find the hotel we'd booked. Good luck. Not even cabbies could tell us where it was and most others couldn't even understand us. We ended up walking for the next 2.5 hours and asking about 15 people where we were before finding our pot of gold. The good news: this has been the nicest hotel that we've stayed in! But the bed is still like sleeping on the floor of a cave. No getting past that, I don't think. They just like extra firm stuff around these parts. I'm gonna need 10 hours of Thai massages to fix my back and neck. In fact, I'm gonna go get one now.

*Update: For the ride back, we found the actual bus station with the actual bus that we should have boarded from Bangkok. It was state-of-the-art with an actual restroom in the back! The universe laughed at me because I never even had the slightest urge to pee during the entire 2-hour ride.