Nasty Cane Toads

So, there is some real life story behind these nasty things. Disclaimer: I’m purely going on hearsay (and most people around here lie, exaggerate the truth, and provide unverified information as fact) so Google it for authenticity. 

Cane toads are a species of toad that flood the ground at night and secrete poison from glands on their backs. My understanding is that they were genetically modified specifically to kill off certain snakes in the Southern part of Australia but that their population got out of control and they spread across the continent like wildfire. They now kill everything that attempts to eat them. No bueño. Needless to say, they are in Darwin. Heads up to any serious PETA sympathizers: Don’t read on. 

There are these things called Cane Toad Hunts that people actually get paid to host. Don’t waste your money. There are plenty of them all over the place–just pick your weapon and go to town! I was skeptical at first...then I saw how many of them there are everywhere, how disgusting they are, and how they have no respect for privacy (all up in the bathrooms). That was about the time that I grabbed the 2 x 4 and teed off. From the woooooood, to the wall! Splat. 

Cause of death: gravity

Lots of people will catch and freeze them in their personal freezers but that’s gross and no fun. Plus, they supposedly need to stay in the freezer at least 24 hours or they won’t actually die. If you run over one, it will expel its stomach lining out of its mouth in order to sustain the impact, then suck it back in and go on living. If you run over one and hear a 'pop', then its a goner. They are resilient little things. I’ll give ‘em that. My brother impaled one with a mango and I must say: it was masterful. He used to be a baseball pitcher and it showed.

Crazy Lady

Forward note: You have to believe me, because I cannot possibly make this stuff up.

To quickly set the background, let me just announce that (I somehow forgot to mention) I can now drive a stick/manual! And I can do it from the right side of the vehicle, while driving on the left side of the road, and shifting with my left hand (did you get alla that?). Oh yeah, and I can do it in a 40 ft bus. TOOT, TOOT! Yes, that was my own horn. I had to learn because that is basically the only type of transmission driven here and in order to transport students, I needed my Australian bus driver's license.

And this newly acquired skill is where my story begins. I work with someone who is known to be particularly unstable and entitled (with zero merit). Although no one cares much for her, I try to be cordial and inclusive to elicit a softer side from her. In the past, I've been successful but just recently, I threw in the towel.

She accused me of assault! If I weren't on foreign soil then I might've found this to be more amusing. To make a long story short, she asked if she could drive the bus and I told her that she couldn't because she is unlicensed (and insane–but I left that part out) and it was against policy. I offered to drive and she could observe. She literally ran outside, jumped in the driver's seat, buckled up, and refused to move (she knew that I needed to take the bus to pick up students at that time)! I asked her to get out. She argued for a while and then eventually got in the passenger seat.

On the drive, she started screaming at me and calling me a b*tch for not allowing her to practice driving. I suggested we refrain from speaking to each other on this drive due to the tension, and turned on the radio. At this point, she started to smash her fists all over the control panel and yell at me! I started to pull over simply because I didn't know if she was going to yank the wheel. Then she took out her phone and started dialing...her husband, the school principal, and the police! While she did this, she began to fake cry. Fake, as in, her voice went up 10 decibels and she began to audibly sob like a child throwing an attention-seeking tantrum. Her complaint was that I was "driving like a crazy person" and that I verbally assaulted her by singing along with the radio. (I kid you not. Verbatim: "She is singing so loud to the radio–she is trying to drive me crazy!" Really? I was 100% minding my own business and driving responsibly.)

In the end, she threatened that her husband was "going to deal with me". The police actually did show up but they never approached me. They should have fined her for wasting taxpayer's money. I never saw that husband of hers. Now might be a good idea for me to figure out where the American Embassy is located....?

It's Official: I'm A Workaholic

So, I got a third job today. It involves working with troubled teens on a one-on-one basis. You work 12-hour shifts in their personal environments because these kids sadly have no family to look after them and require round-the-clock supervision. I take on shifts as often as possible when I'm not scheduled at the school or the water park.

Just know that I'll be working this role for the extent of my stay in Darwin but that I'll be hesitant to share the experiences (because they're kids). I'll find a way to sum things up eventually. As for now, I'm just hoping to be able to make a positive impact in their lives.

And Another One Bites The Dust

I witnessed a snake swallow and regurgitate a cane toad today… Probably not the best decision that snake ever made. 

Pretty sure today was its last day. The way it jerked off after its change of heart looked a bit too spastic for recovery. 

Open Water, Clear Sand, and Genitals?

I happened upon a nude beach today. I didn’t even know it existed until I existed on it. It's strange how I was the one feeling awkward being there when I was the person actually wearing clothes! It's also a much less entertaining scene than you'd think; given the overwhelming population of nude beach-goers over the age of 55. It wasn’t very populated, but the beach itself was great! Just beach. No buildings. No disturbances. The sand was super soft and the beach was wide and long. There were so many crabs (pun!). They were smaller and mostly just scrambled away as I approached. But they dig out holes in the sand and leave behind hundreds of perfectly scooped little balls of sand. Hadn’t seen that before. Wish I'd taken a pic.

I'm a Certified LifeSaver

I got a second job as a lifeguard at a waterpark that pays $22.00 per hour and always has free admission. Who can say no to that? I figure that I can pick up shifts here when I am off at the school. 

In order to qualify for the job, I had to take two lifeguarding courses that took place over two weekends. Some of the training involved timed swimming tests...let me tell you something about swimming laps when you haven’t done anything athletic in about 2 years and are not even 4 months off of knee surgery: it wears you out! My first test was freestyle, 200 meters in 6 minutes. My time? 6:00.10. Count it! No way was I doing that again over a dang millisecond. I was the last to finish, but I finished. And even though I almost wanted to, I didn’t vomit all over the grass when I was done, like some other people. 

The tests requiring you to swim out and haul people in were easy for me. I came in way under time. But the last test was survival strokes and that was the one that really got me. 400 meters in 13 minutes, broken down as follows: 100 meters freestyle, 100 meters backstroke, 100 meters sidestroke, 100 meters breaststroke. And your head cannot go beneath water on strokes. I thought 13 minutes was a long time, until I finished my first try in 14:06! It turned out that other people weren’t doing the proper strokes and they were getting better times. I didn’t want to cheat myself, so I gave it another go staying true to the strokes…13:25! Damnit! Better but not enough. I was sucking some serious wind. It was the first time that I’ve ever been in a pool and have been aware of the fact that I was sweating! My freestyle was killing me. I got a few tips from the instructor on how to get more out of my techniques and on my third try, I passed! 12:41. Huge improvement. Yay, me! Now I’m all certified and official, just like my Mommy was back in the day! I start work at the waterpark tomorrow. If I only knew then, what I know now…I might’ve been the one to save that man’s life at Litchfield!

Public Transit and CPS

So, I rode the public bus for the first time in Australia. As I sat at the bus stop waiting, a woman pulled up in a dingy minivan and came to a screeching halt in the bus lane. Her passenger door flies open, liquid drips out of the open door, and...SMACK! She slapped the crap out of the back of this little girl's head (she couldn’t have been older than four and was sitting in the front passenger seat)! Apparently the child had spilled a cup of liquid on the floor of the van. The woman then proceeds to shout, “you stupid f*cking b*tch! I knew you were gonna do that! Get the f*ck out of here!” (Shoves girl in the back as she is climbing between seats to the rear of the van.) “You stupid little c*nt! Look at this sh*t! You’re such a B*TCH, you know that?” A passenger who was waiting at the bus stop with me jumps in, closes the door, and the driver looks forward and says more to herself than anybody, “little f*cking b*tch!” and puts the pedal to the floor.

Did I really just see that? The girl looked unfazed by the whole thing (no tears, no reaction at all, really). I'm sad for the world right now but mostly for that little girl :(