KaPOW!

Pattaya, Thailand

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, officially! I was woken up at 6am to the sound of a gun fight. Turned out is was some massive firecrackers (like Black Cats) that people kept setting off in the streets for the next three hours in celebration. To say they were loud would be an understatement.

Okay, so when you’re in Asia and someone offers you a chance to see a ping pong show, you take it, right? I mean, they kill at ping pong in the Olympics—I just watched them on TV the other day and I could hardly even see the ball because they were so quick! Who wouldn’t want to catch a piece of that action, in the flesh???

As it turned out, this ping pong show was all about flesh…and things that could be ejected from it, if you catch my drift. I’m at an impasse. Do I share my experience with you or just say that it may be best that we talk later? At times like these, I wonder: Who reads my blog? This portion might cause offense or alter your opinion of me, but what can I say . . .  everyone needs to take a turn at being the messenger! DISCLAIMER: This was a sexually-focused show and the following explains the basis of this encounter in the most G-Rated manner possible and without including any personal details. These ping pong shows are apparently a signature attraction in Thailand and this area of the country is surprisingly reminiscent of Vegas in many ways. I think that's why what happens there should stay there. Here's to Pandora's Box!

The premise is to shock and amaze viewers by what women are capable of housing in and doing with the controlled muscles of their vaginal cavity. Using this orifice, I saw various women: pull out 15-foot long strings of plastic flowers, needles, and razor blades (I have a good idea of the tricks likely used to pull these off); hold a marker and write a message on paper; ingest and expel an entire bottle of water; blow out candles on a birthday cake (queef); open a pop-top Coke bottle; shoot darts through a blow tube and accurately aim at and pop balloons set atop viewers’ heads; juggle and then shoot ping pong balls into a small cup;  blow a whistle; and effectively lay raw eggs.

Yes, I said it. She laid an egg.

So, I’ve been there and seen that. No more is necessary. The novelty wears off...Quickly. As a female, you just start to discount some of the talent needed to accomplish these feats as the show goes on. The only reason most of us can’t do this is because we haven’t tried. Because, WTF would you?

Oh! Almost forgot to mention that one girl simultaneously smoked not one, but TWO cigarettes through her fanny. Right down to the filters! And by 'fanny' I’m referring to her female parts. That’s a fun fact that Australians taught me. Contrary to popular (American) belief a fanny is not in fact a buttocks; it is a vagina. Anyway, I guess the gender-related potential for having a genetic predisposition to cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer isn’t enough for Thailand—gotta increase those odds! I swear, it's like they just have to be 100% positive that no Thai female stands a chance of living a fulfilling life and quietly dying of old age. Monarchies, blah!