Monkey See, Monkey Do

Bali, Indonesia

We went on a self-directed excursion to the Monkey Forest. We rented out two scooter/motorcycle things and took off down crazy, winding brick streets, winged it with no map, and didn’t let the weather stop us! About two minutes after we got on the road, the sky opened up and broke her seal on our heads. 

My helmet had no visor so I used my shades as goggles and rode it out. But, it was insane! There are so many moped on the road with no real road laws to govern their behavior. My guess is that mopeds outnumbered other vehicles 6:1. I saw little kids driving (maybe 8 yrs old?), families of five on one bike, women riding in high heels, and a complete absence of speed limits or road signs. There were some traffic lights but moped drivers gave them the middle finger! Bikers own the road and pass in between cars, on the opposite side of the road, in the gutters, and on the sidewalks. One-way streets aren’t observed, streets are narrow, horns are constantly honking at everybody, and you have to either become one with the chaos, get off the road, or get dead. I chose to partake in Parcheesi and rode with wild abandon for about an hour each way. At one point while I was on the actual highway, I got drenched by a passing vehicle and had full-on whiteout for two seconds that felt like five minutes. In my moment of distortion, I decided to give it to God and didn't come off the accelerator and instead gave a little gas and an impulsive, “Woooo!” as I cleared the obstruction with a smile on my face. The perpetrator of the tidal wave gave me a reassuring thumbs up before speeding off :)

After finally finding the forest, finding the monkeys was no problem at all. In fact, they find you. I had a monkey jump on my back, pull my top away from my chest, peek down my shirt, and reach into my cleavage in an attempt to find food! The first one that approached me scared the crap out of me! Someone else in the forest gave me a rambutan (red, spiky fruit that you peel and eat--actually looks and tastes a lot like an overgrown, peeled grape when opened) to offer the monkeys but before I even registered what I had in my hand, a big ol’ monkey came and yanked my shorts halfway down in an attempt to get the fruit. You heard that right–I got pantsed by a monkey! I'm glad I was wearing my swimsuit bottoms under my shorts. When I refused to give him the fruit, he barred his freakin’ fang teeth at me and that got me to drop it, pronto.

After that, I learned my lesson and kept the bait hidden and was selective to only feed the nice monkeys. As much as it shames me to admit it—my judgment failed. After feeding one from my shoulder, he resumed sitting there and dispelled a warm liquid down my back! Gross! My first concern was getting it diagnosed as either pee or poo, since this disgusting crime was committed outside of my field of vision. Ew. How is it that I've lived 25 years without a single bird pooping on me but somehow, a monkey pees down my back within 30 seconds of meeting? His kinky butt could've at least bought me a drink first, geeze. Good thing it rained again on the way back to town to help wash his sins away.

This is the little dude that used me as a urinal. My smile indicates that this picture was taken just moments before the downpour...

There was a temple in the forest and I was required to wear a sarong to enter it. The monkeys had no dress code.