Going Out In Style

Bali, Indonesia

Happy Birthday, Daddy! And if you ever actually read my blog--which was mostly intended for the likes of you--you’d actually see this acknowledgement. *she frowns disapprovingly*

I'm pretty sure that it's Traveling 101 knowledge that you don't eat the meat or drink the water in certain countries. But being the rebel that I am, I made the genius decision to challenge this theory...you're welcome. Conclusion? Don't eat the meat or drink the water in certain countries (this includes mall food courts). How did I make it this entire trip right up to my last 24 hours and then make the genius decision to eat the beef? IDIOT. Food poisoning: check. I'll spare you the gory details.

After consuming that delightful meal in Bangkok, we took off to the airport on a flight back to spend our last day in Bali. Regardless of the state of my colon, I went to the beach because surfing is such a big draw here and I wanted to literally "test the waters" bodysurfing. Spoiler alert: I suck. I got tossed around like a dead cat in a rabid dogs clenches and I'm not ashamed to admit that I missed 80% of the waves that I didn't attempt. Sense made? Not for me, either. But that's just how my brain is operating now that my head is mostly filled with saltwater. 

In celebration of the last day of my Asian journey, I decided to go out with a spa day. Eat your heart out but spare your pockets the trouble:

Hair: Cream bath deep conditioning treatment with 20-minute head massage; steam conditioning treatment accompanied by shoulder, neck, and arm massage while under steamer; hair vitamin leave-in treatment; and wash.

Body: 1-hour full body Balinese massage.

Manicure: With hand massage.

Pedicure: With leg massage.

Grand total: Just under $20.00 USD

The only reason I can justify leaving here is because I'm not going home yet! Plus, I kinda miss the girls back at the school. Time really does fly, doesn’t it?

Oh, Thailand. Let Me Count the Ways...

So much to do in so little time! Also, who wants to spend their limited vacation time hopping around to little cafés searching for wifi access? Not I, says the cat. (It's The Little Red Hen, I do that sometimes. Catch up!) So, here are my thoughts about the amazing place that is Thailand...

Phuket

Loved it. Very nice beaches and the Koh Phi Phi Islands were well worth the 1.5-2hr ferry trip out to them. Would go back again and again.

Pattaya

This place kept me fully entertained at no cost to me. Beaches were nice but people have littered in the water too much to really enjoy that part of it. Don't get so wrapped up in visiting Bangkok that you miss out on this gem!

Bangkok

I was definitely not expecting Bangkok to be what it was. It surpassed those expectations. There is a lot to do for little money, and a lot of culture to be found without living in the slums. By the way, differing from common depictions, Bangkok is not all made up of congested, apartment-style living units with cluttered clotheslines, loud outdoor kitchens, multi-colored cloth awnings hanging across alleys, surrounded by merchants smoking cigars. There are those parts--I don’t deny it. And you can find those outdoor kitchens without looking for them. (They just pop up everywhere. People literally throw some tables and chairs out, call themselves a restaurant and pack up at the end of the day. FDA!!!) But it is a city just like any other with certain areas favorable to tourism, nightlife, shopping, upscale living, and of course, dirty hoods.

Thai Massage

These massages are unique. They really do hold onto bars from the ceiling, walk all over you, stretching, twisting and tangling your body while they work. Their main selling point is that they emphasize pressure point stimulation. Sometimes the combination of all of this offers a sweet pain, but like I said, it is sweet. Sports therapists need to get wit’ it and incorporate these Thai techniques into the treatment of their athletes if they haven’t already. It's not quite as relaxing as Balinese massages but effective, all the same. Did I tell you that in Bali they sometimes offer to massage your boobs? (I plead the fifth.) And one more thing about Thai massages: The stories are true. They will sex you if you are a man—I didn’t incite any offers—for a little extra honey. Some even seemed like they would be willing to pay you to let them have their fun. Some masseurs were very professional and spiritual, others giddy, talkative, or a little too comfortable with their sexuality. There is never a shortage of entertainment in this country. Long live Thailand!

Here I am, nice and relaxed after my last Thai massage.

Beaches

Beautiful. Very good water clarity. Turquoise water and (some white) sandy beaches. A lot of them were severely over-crowded with people and umbrellas for rent, so avoid those spots if you can. Other places were too crowded with refreshingly confident senior citizens sporting speedos and thong bikinis (Pattaya). 

Bird Crazy

Angry Birds is an insane craze, here. There are t-shirts, slippers, key chains, speaker systems, stuffed animals, towels, playing cards, virtual worlds (each bird has a name and personality), etc. All of Asia has fallen prey to this epidemic. I started to really notice the damage in Singapore and it made its way up the coast. Wear your surgical mask (as many, many Asians do) to keep the virus out of your system!

Shopping

Thailand had no shortage of shopping opportunities. In fact, I found it to be too overwhelming and caught a case of performance anxiety. I only purchased three things on my trip: a scarf, a pair of contoloupe (not sure how to spell that one) pants, and my portrait. Overall, everywhere had a lot of cute styles with a nice variety but everything was cheaply made. Prices are good enough but you have to do so much haggling that you start to wonder if it’s even worth it! I didn’t put any emphasis on this because of the lack of quality and the general rule of every shop owner that ‘one size fits all’ (AKA, size 0-4), which clearly excludes my royal thickness. Skirts and tops were too short, pant legs barely got up past my knee before getting stuck, and I didn’t even bother glancing at shoes because I already knew the deal. But while I wasn’t glancing, I did notice a lot of really cute and original styles!

Insects

Mosquitos are tearin’ my butt up! Everywhere in Asia has been bad. I’m in the airport right now getting eaten up for no good reason. Constant irritant. And I can’t be certain, but something else has been nibbling at my ankles and shins. Ants? Something in the ocean? It will remain a mystery. Unless I die. In which case, someone should call for an autopsy.

Strange little facts and observations about Asia:

White is right

Asians apparently strive to be fair-skinned. I purchased some lotion and after using the entire bottle I read the only part that was written in English:

"Skin Whitening Lotion. Use daily to lighten your complexion and give you a fairer skin tone.”

All of the lotion in stores was either, “skin lightening”, “skin brightening”, or “skin whitening”. WOW. I really set myself back with that one. I had a nice tan going from being at the beach, too. But that’s history now.

Desperately digging for gold

I saw too many Thai people to count with their fingers stuck up their noses. The thing was, they weren’t trying to hide it. The worst was a go-go dancer all skimpily clad outside of her club trying to solicit patrons while going at it. They weren’t completely without shame, though. Not once did I see someone put that finger it in their mouth. *Light applause*

Dumbfounded

There are so many variables to this equation that I have to assume there are multiple answers. But the problem is that we were the locals’ main attraction all day everyday. I get the Foreigner thing but we weren’t the only foreigners, though we were the only foreigners walking under a constant spotlight. People were taking photos around us and pretending to be taking them of something else even when it was obvious that as the backdrop, we were the focal point. Most stared, some laughed, others pointed, some gave the ‘once over’ look, fewer took photos, some actually gaped with a confused look on their faces, and almost everyone noticed. I just walked tall and confidently with a smile on my face and took it as a compliment. (Hey! No one asked your opinion.)

I’ve gotta go, bad!

Not sure if this was strictly for my entertainment or what, but throughout an entire mall in Bangkok (Siam-something) all bathroom signs looked like the one above my head in this picture:

Bigfoot

I warned you that these Asian dudes are creepy with the claws but it wasn’t until I saw this kid playing RockBand at an arcade in Bangkok that I realized their feet weren’t exempt from the horror.

Final Night in Thailand

Bangkok, Thailand

So, I walked out of a mall this evening and into a crowded area with a stage. It turned out that a bunch of local high school-aged kids were showcasing their dance talents. I have to give them credit for putting energy into something physical, safe, and fun (insert inappropriate stereotypical theory for which I have seen zero cases for validation *wink wink*). But that's it. That's all that I have to give them credit for. I curse America’s Best Dance Crew for giving these kids hope that they can be America’s (or any country’s) Favorite Dance Crew! Most of these kids were far from terrible but none of them showed the potential to be anyone’s backup dancer, either.

My opinions are admittedly ethnocentric, despite my best efforts (at least I'm aware?). No heterosexual American male would willingly dance out some of the sequences that these kids were performing without feeling insecure about his masculinity. It's amazing how norms differ so much between cultures! It was also funny watching the girls because all day you see them running around town in their school girl uniforms (wholesome from head to toe: frumpy white button-up blouse, dark blue calf-length hideously pleated skirts, matching blue neck scarf, hair bow, high white socks, and black, buckled baby doll shoes) but on stage they were moving to a much more sexual beat. I don't know how to explain the night and day difference that took place up there. I seriously felt like I was committing a crime just by watching! It was like someone dropped a Mentos in a Coke bottle and shook that baby up until the top popped. Too young, too inexperienced, and too Westernized. Fathers, lock your daughters back up before they become "Ping Pong Players"!

Look at these moving walkways. I found them in the Bangkok airport. They are long and go up one level each. There were about five floors of them and I was entertained like a child because of the hilliness.

This was my final day in Thailand and tomorrow will be the final full day of my trip! Three weeks went by really fast. Wow. I’m sure that once I’m back in Australia I will slack on updating this thing. Just expect that, whoever is listening . . .

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say, Say Nothing At All

At the imminent risk of being insensitive, stereotypical, culturally ignorant, and rude, let me just say that it seems to me that Thai babies born as females have only a handful of choices in life: run a roadside shop; hawk sliced fruit; become a masseuse; be a go-go dancer, stripper, and/or “ping pong player”; or be a White Man’s girlfriend. Babies born Thai males on the other hand can: rent out umbrellas on the beach; drive various forms of taxis; rent out motorbikes; solicit tourists into ping pong parties; or have a sex transformation to become some White Man’s girlfriend. If these were my options, it’d be too tough to call.

That's all surface-level BS that I just spewed but seriously, Society....what's the deal?

Touring It Up!

Bangkok, Thailand

Did the tourist thing today. It was heavily recommended to seek out the temples in Bangkok so I set aside some time and knocked it out. Some were free but of course the ones that actually looked appealing were not. Paid the tourist price (overpriced but still reasonable at the exchange rate) to walk through the grounds of the Grand Palace.

Grand Palace

Would have been nice if someone would’ve let me know BEFORE I paid my money that most of the place was under construction, you aren’t allowed to enter hardly any of the temples and photos/video are prohibited inside of them. A security guard tried to confiscate my camera phone for lack of understanding. All the while he was harassing me, loads of other people were getting their shots off. This dude was a joke. I had to literally pry my phone out of his hands and he was trying to grab it back and shouting, “police!” He wanted my password and I told him he wasn’t gettin’ it. He knew English well enough. If he wasn’t such an ass he could have just asked me for what he wanted, which was to delete certain photos. In the end, I did because I have no use for a blurry photo of fake gold and a tiny green Buddha-- I’d already photographed 10 other Buddhas today, and guess what? They're all quite similar. That squabble with the local guard at least made my time in the Grand Palace remotely noteworthy. I’ll post photos but while things were pretty, they were inauthentic—at least in appearance. I’m not sure that they are truly historically significant because I see new ones being built on the streets today and I think they just want to take tourist’s money. Fake gold and gold colored foil everywhere. There may be a worldwide shortage in gold acrylic paint because of Thailand. Crafters, unite!

Outside Temple of the Emerald Buddha (where I was basically assaulted for my phone)

Just a cool golden statue

In front of Grand Palace

Inside a "gold"-filled temple (all look similar/same inside)

"Same same, but different" in Asian speak. They have T-shirts with this saying.

Remind anyone else of a warrior in Disney's, Mulan?

Tall guard statues. 'Bout 25-30 ft tall. Mostly gold.

Lots of their buddha statues are in this pose that has the right hand up in a "stop" gesture that I translated to, "talk to the hand". Can't really see the golden buddha's hand which just makes me look stupid.

"Golden" guards

Golden doorway (seeing a trend?)

Golden standing Buddha. Huge. Not good with heights so I don't know. 40ft?

Hate to sound so pessimistic, but even the Monks were a disappointment! They wore the orange garb, but they had far from a remote style of living. They were rockin’ iPods, smart phones, Ray Bans, and some were even taking photos of temples like they were the tourists (maybe they were on some type of sabbatical?). It was funny to be smacked in the face with the reality that movies are a crock of poo and that I was just as guilty of relying on them as the Australian population is of using them as a basis of their opinion of America--Everyone else, too. 

Harassed to the Max

Bangkok, Thailand

In lieu of playing the tourist, today I rode around town in a Tuk Tuk. These are just motorcycles with a covered cart attached to them. Their operators drive like crazy people and overcharge but I wanted to experience this unfamiliar form of transportation.

Tuk Tuk drivers had this promotional thing going where they would take you around to a few landmarks for very cheap but you had to stop a few places for them, too (of course, because everyone wants something). They got fuel stipends from travel agents, jewelry crafters, and tailors for bringing tourists to their places of business. We went along with the gimmick.

Here are a few snippets of ridiculously entertaining conversations that were had today as a result of us declining to make a purchase in different scenarios:

Scene 1: Refused Taxi...

Local: “Do you have 20 baht?”

Me: “No.” (Not a lie—my bro had it)

Local: “Ah! You come Bangkok with no money?!?! You STUPID!” Walks off.

Me: Laughs

Scene 2: After being schemed/forced into going into a tailoring shop...

Me: “I don’t want to buy a suit today.”

Local: “Ah! You shouldn’t shop at places like this,” look of disgust, “you too cheap.”

Me: Laughs (what else do you expect?)

Scene 3: After being hounded to go to a massage parlor and going inside for a look at the facility, I returned outside...

Me: “I don’t want one right now but if I do come back at all it won’t be for about two hours. I’m going to check out some other places, so I’m not sure yet.”

Girl harassing me: “Okay see you later!”

Later, as I am walking past the shop

Girl: “Okay, you come now!”

Me: “No. I’ve decided against it.”

Girl: “Why you say no?!? You, Liar!”

Me: Laughs

Scene 4: After agreeing to be a part of a scheme to go into another shop, was told the item I truly sought was unavailable but instead of letting us leave right then, a sales pitch was thrown to sell a tailored suit...

Me: “I’m going to look at other places that were less expensive.”

Local: Bitterly, “Why you didn’t just leave when I told you we no have? Why you waste my time?” and, “I think you’re still students. I think you need to go back to school. You have no knowledge. You need knowledge. You don’t have enough. You have a lot to learn.” Goes outside and spits on the ground.

Me: “Okay, thank you!” Laughs. P.S. - We're definitely not students. I took care of that paper years ago. But I should probably relay this message to my alma mater.

I could have said so much more or even pulled a Pretty Woman scene by flaunting the especially green bills in my possession (they feign for American money and I was SO tempted but that would be asking for trouble and add to the arrogant stereotype that Americans hold so dearly) but I took the high(er) road because I couldn’t stop laughing! That pissed them off enough. I thought about pulling out a wad of cash and saying to my bro, “He’s right. We should take all of this money that we don’t know what to do with and use it to pay for more schooling. We need the knowledge.” What do they expect? They are scheming and I’m onto their game. No one actually asked to be taken to a tailor! That is a pretty specific niche to be pushed into, unrequested. They might as well have taken me to an auto parts store for all of the relevance these shops had. Being pushy gets you nowhere with me. I'm Ayers Rock when I need to be.

Leaving Pattaya

Pattaya, Thailand

Had anyone ever before heard of Pattaya, Thailand? I hadn’t. Ended up here by a last minute decision to hit the beach. Let me just give it a little round of applause for being a marvelously unsuspecting good time. *cheers*

Our bus trip back to Bangkok confirmed my unsupported but otherwise certain suspicion that the bus we took to Pattaya was all kinds of wrong. The return bus was clean, organized (assigned seats), and even had a bathroom on board! I didn’t know this and taking a lesson from my last experience, I’d intentionally avoided a single drop of liquid all day prior to boarding. In fact, the last thing I did before getting on the bus back was to use the restroom at the station. They had a swivel gate set up outside of the entrance and charged 3 baht to go in the restroom! Once inside, I noticed that there was toilet paper in the trashcans but none in the stalls and figured it ran out. I asked the attendant whom I’d already paid if I could have some toilet paper. Her response was, “toilet paper, 5 baht!” Psssh! Guess who got blasted with the kitchen sink sprayer again? She did (no, I'm not referencing the attendant).

This bus was heavenly compared to the one we took coming out to Pattaya. That isn’t saying much but really, it was such a welcome relief! No more incessant horn honking, broken and filthy seats, lack of toilet, mosquito plagues, rude attendants, annoying television, violations of personal belongings (had an undercarriage), frequent drop offs and pick ups, or being left somewhere on the side of the road instead of at the station. Hallelujah!

Please, Somebody Bring Back Woodstock

Bangkok, Thailand

World peace . . .  Brotherly love . . .  Love thy neighbor as thyself . . . Long gone are the days of people being courteous and nice just for the simple act of being courteous and nice! I’m so tired of everybody wanting something from me. 

If you are looking at a map, someone will nicely approach you and help give directions but there’s a catch: they will conveniently have some form of transportation around the corner and offer to take you (for some ridiculously overpriced sum of money) and if you decline using it, they get pissed and curse you! They have so many schemes set up that involve various people working as a unit that I won’t even get into it. Just don’t ever assume that someone here is ever doing something out of the goodness of their heart. Someone is paying them. Sometimes multiple people are paying them. They will get over on you any chance that you give them so just be firm and don’t be stupid.

FDA Unapproved

Pattaya, Thailand

There is nothing that you can safely eat here. Nothing. Oh, so that’s chicken, you say? Doubtful. I’ve seen a lot of stray dogs lying around the streets but Thailand is suspiciously lacking a population of stray cats . . .

Since things couldn’t get worse and I really have no accurate knowledge of what it is that I’m consuming when I'm eating here anyway, I took the plunge. The Fear Factor plunge. I consciously, knowingly, and willingly ate a bug. A little frog, too. My bro downed a grasshopper. I think my bug was some sort of a grub. It looked like I stole it right out from Pumba's hoof in The Lion King. It exploded in my mouth and I couldn’t help but to have scenes from the movie flash through my head as I bore down with each chewy bite. “Hakuna Matata!” and, “chewy, yet satisfying . . .” I did not agree. They were well roasted and seasoned, which was my saving grace. Here is what the cart had to offer:

Scorpion, frog, big cockroach, smaller roach, cricket, grasshopper, grub, and other stuff that I run from when they are alive.

Locals actually buy these things by the bagful and eat them by the handful like peanuts!

I think I earned my Open-Minded Traveler card, today. If not, 'F' it.

Lost Footage

Meant to show you this glimpse at part of one of the inexplicably large malls in Kuala Lumpur.

Walking Street

Pattaya, Thailand

Going to Pattaya? (The answer is 'Yes'.) Go to Walking Street. Period. Here was my experience:

Insanity ensued. People. Lots and lots of people. The street is affectionately named ‘Walking Street’ because at night it is closed off to motor vehicles. It is a quarter mile strip plagued with Go-go clubs, strip clubs, restaurants, shops, carnival/circus-type acts, break dancers, Thai boxing, singers, neon lights, tourists, artists, Thai Boys, etc.

In the middle of Walking Street

End of Walking Street before the red lights were turned on (as in, it becomes a Red Light District)

Scorpion Girl

Let hundreds of scorpions crawl on her body. Not much of a talent, but a sight to see, even if they are the non-stinging kind. Check out the sign. Am I a jerk for calling, “Bullsh*t!”? I’ve seen too many women sitting on the streets at night with "their kids" ironically planted "asleep" on the sidewalks to prove their state of poverty to believe anything anyone around here says. When you turn the corner, they’ll tap the kid as if saying, Someone is coming. Quick! Get into position! And the kid (who was playing with dolls and eating candy moments before) will pretend to sleep or put on a sad face and ask for money when I JUST witnessed them jumping around and singing moments before their director called, “Action!” I'm not saying they couldn't use the help--I am saying that Mama 'aint raise no fool.

Young contortionist

Poor thing was being pranced around like a show monkey. Look at this outfit—they are trying to make her look like she’s seven but we can all tell she is too old to wear that tutu and hair bow. Little kids pull money easily so I understand the attempt. Not fooled, though.

Statue Boy

The only reason I mention him is cuz I caught a Thai Boy in the background.

Break dancing kids

They were battling and joking around but made for a good show.

Sketch artist

I had my portrait done for less than $10.00! I think he did a great job for what it was, though this photo does him no justice.

Whiny little kid?

This girl broke through the crowd at 1:00am, latched onto me while I was walking and told me, “20 baht,” for her to get off! She wasn’t even selling a pack of gum. 20 baht. I shook her loose for free. Scammers!

I never wanted for entertainment while I was here. Came here three nights because there were constantly new people and things to see. Want to know what I saw most consistently?

1) Innumerable White men with presumably purchased Thai women (some genuine and others not), ALWAYS holding hands.

2) Thai Boys on the prowl. They were very loud, bold, and aggressive in their approaches to find men to pick them up.

3) Lesbian Asian couples (not the sexy/attractive type).

4) Entirely too much makeup on every feminine looking Thai person. Made it impossible to tell the real from the fake. There were enough pounds of makeup on this street to sink a small island.

5) Thai Boys losing themselves in mirrors for minutes at a time, situating body parts and reapplying makeup.

6) Desperate-looking men drooling while watching go-go dancers through club windows.

I’m actually not even surprised to see men with breast implants and makeup-painted faces anymore. Crazy, huh? The thrill of it is fading from overexposure! Initially, I was trying to snap pictures of all of these people but they were mostly camera shy and I didn’t want to be obvious and rude. All I can tell you is that everything you think you know is true. Anything goes in Thailand. I feel disturbed by these old White men who come pick up Thai women because one of them spoke to me. He was a sex crazed, unambitious (or wrongfully directed?), socially disgusting, incredibly old, old man. He said that he used to idolize Hugh Hefner but now that he lives in Thailand, he gets all the young *BLEEP* that he wants--more than he’s ever had and all he wants is his own life now (Playboy mansions be damned). He was drunk but presumably truthful.

Random shots of Thai Boys:

KaPOW!

Pattaya, Thailand

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, officially! I was woken up at 6am to the sound of a gun fight. Turned out is was some massive firecrackers (like Black Cats) that people kept setting off in the streets for the next three hours in celebration. To say they were loud would be an understatement.

Okay, so when you’re in Asia and someone offers you a chance to see a ping pong show, you take it, right? I mean, they kill at ping pong in the Olympics—I just watched them on TV the other day and I could hardly even see the ball because they were so quick! Who wouldn’t want to catch a piece of that action, in the flesh???

As it turned out, this ping pong show was all about flesh…and things that could be ejected from it, if you catch my drift. I’m at an impasse. Do I share my experience with you or just say that it may be best that we talk later? At times like these, I wonder: Who reads my blog? This portion might cause offense or alter your opinion of me, but what can I say . . .  everyone needs to take a turn at being the messenger! DISCLAIMER: This was a sexually-focused show and the following explains the basis of this encounter in the most G-Rated manner possible and without including any personal details. These ping pong shows are apparently a signature attraction in Thailand and this area of the country is surprisingly reminiscent of Vegas in many ways. I think that's why what happens there should stay there. Here's to Pandora's Box!

The premise is to shock and amaze viewers by what women are capable of housing in and doing with the controlled muscles of their vaginal cavity. Using this orifice, I saw various women: pull out 15-foot long strings of plastic flowers, needles, and razor blades (I have a good idea of the tricks likely used to pull these off); hold a marker and write a message on paper; ingest and expel an entire bottle of water; blow out candles on a birthday cake (queef); open a pop-top Coke bottle; shoot darts through a blow tube and accurately aim at and pop balloons set atop viewers’ heads; juggle and then shoot ping pong balls into a small cup;  blow a whistle; and effectively lay raw eggs.

Yes, I said it. She laid an egg.

So, I’ve been there and seen that. No more is necessary. The novelty wears off...Quickly. As a female, you just start to discount some of the talent needed to accomplish these feats as the show goes on. The only reason most of us can’t do this is because we haven’t tried. Because, WTF would you?

Oh! Almost forgot to mention that one girl simultaneously smoked not one, but TWO cigarettes through her fanny. Right down to the filters! And by 'fanny' I’m referring to her female parts. That’s a fun fact that Australians taught me. Contrary to popular (American) belief a fanny is not in fact a buttocks; it is a vagina. Anyway, I guess the gender-related potential for having a genetic predisposition to cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer isn’t enough for Thailand—gotta increase those odds! I swear, it's like they just have to be 100% positive that no Thai female stands a chance of living a fulfilling life and quietly dying of old age. Monarchies, blah!

Bus from Hell

Bangkok to Pattaya, Thailand

Decided to leave Bangkok for a few days to spread out through Thailand a little bit more. Due to travel requirements and limited time, I've decided not to go for Vietnam or Laos right now. Other travelers have convinced me that I really need more time, so those countries will have to wait.

As a last minute decision, we went to Pattaya, Thailand. It is about 2 hours outside of Bangkok. That is, if you don't take the Bus from Hell–which was our second mistake. The first was drinking a bottle of water and a 20oz. soda before boarding but we'll get to that later.

We took a bus from the Ekkamai bus station but after getting on, it became evident that this was not the bus that the internet was suggesting we board. So, we immediately attempted to get off but the driver persistently insisted that this was in fact the bus to Pattaya. I knew I was about to be taken for a ride, both in the literal sense and in the way that means that these folks just wanted my money. But....when in Rome--I mean, Thailand...

It was an experience. A miserable one. We got on a bus that clearly read, Bangkok-Pattaya. It had 4 people on it including ourselves. It was a charter bus circa the 1980s with broken seats and iffy air conditioning. After we boarded and a man came back to collect the fare from us but did not produce a receipt. I thought we were supposed to go straight to Pattaya but after only ten minutes aboard this bus (and 5 more stops) we were ushered out and onto another bus that was NOT labeled Bangkok-Pattaya. English was not spoken and all we wanted was to be sure we were going to the right place and not being charged twice. This person (I am honestly not sure if they were male or female but they weren't trying to help solve that riddle, in the least) was in charge of collecting fares but we had to explain that we weren't paying again. They seemed to agree and left it alone. This bus had about 6 people on it with more than 30 open seats. It was an up/downgrade because though this bus seemed to have more of an early-90s flare to it with at least some decent seats, it was plagued with mosquitoes, ants, and I even saw a roach.

As we got back on the traffic-ridden road, I stretched out across my seats to rest. Two minutes later, That attendant came to the back of the bus and started yelling at me in tongues and communicated that I am only to take up one seat as I'd only paid for one ticket. I looked around at the empty bus and frowned at the absurdity of it but I sat up. My bag was on the seat beside me and the attendant signaled that it needed to be on the floor because I hadn't paid for that seat. Ummm, did you see that roach and its ant cousins having a party on the floor? Wasn't happening. I didn't move it and eventually s/he went back to the front of the bus.

I laid on my two seats with my bag as a pillow until the urge to pee came. Of course, there was no bathroom on this beat-down bus, nor were they offering to stop. I was afraid that if I did get off, I'd get left in the middle of nowhere. I had an empty cup that I tried to pee in–I did a pull-to-the-side maneuver but I had some mental block that just wouldn't allow me to let it flow! There was SO much pressure built up on my poor little bladder but I couldn't go. I know that if I were in a restroom it would have been Niagara Falls before I'd even had the time to squat. It was so frustrating! I've never had performance anxiety like this before.

We continued to stop everywhere–just random places along the side of the road where locals were standing. At one point, a taxi dropped of a load of five kids who jumped out of his cab and boarded our bus. It was getting more crowded up front but people were getting on and off like this was a city bus, not a charter. NO ONE wanted to sit near the Americans. We were in the back and they avoided us like the plague. They doubled up with strangers up front before taking empty rows anywhere near the likes of us. I was completely consumed with the fact that I had to pee so badly and that the closer they filled to the back, the less likely I was to be able to give the side maneuver another go. The attendant kept coming back and trying to move my bag but I still wasn't having that. I tried to ask about a toilet but s/he didn't respond. After 2.5 hours I asked how much longer to Pattaya and s/he said, "two hours." WHAT?!?!? Quit being all money-hungry and stopping this bus for every stray dog on the road and take me to Pattaya! It was supposed to be a two-hour ride.

Once, we stopped at a bus terminal and the attendant ran off. I thought s/he was going to collect more people but wouldn't you just know it: They went for a freakin' bathroom run! Without notifying anyone else! I wanted to strangle the attendant. S/he knew I was bout to bust a gut. Evil thoughts patrolled my head from there on out. Not to mention that they turned on the TV and put the volume up so loud that I couldn't possibly ignore it. They would play 5 minutes of a movie (with audio written over in Thai) and then change it. Then they played a video of some concert with local celebrities, I guess. Terrible. I tried to sleep to forget my woes, but as if on queue, the attendant appeared out of nowhere and opened my curtains. Why?!?! The sun was about to set. These curtains were itty bitty and only affected my seat! It's 6pm and I'm trying to sleep. Leave me alone! Then, s/he put my bag on the floor. Grrrrr. I swatted at mosquitoes the whole time I was on there, and my bladder is now so stretched out so much that it is easily capable of holding a full-sized watermelon.

The whole ride was over in just under four painful hours that felt more like four days. They kicked us off on the side of the highway with no signage to indicate that this was Pattaya or that this was an actual bus stop. Because of course, it wasn't. We got off and after walking a mile and a half down dark and deserted streets, I found a restaurant to relieve myself! I don't have to explain to you how terrific that felt. Thank you, Waiter at that restaurant who was so nice and understanding! You saved me from an early sentence to wearing Depends!

Then it was time to find the hotel we'd booked. Good luck. Not even cabbies could tell us where it was and most others couldn't even understand us. We ended up walking for the next 2.5 hours and asking about 15 people where we were before finding our pot of gold. The good news: this has been the nicest hotel that we've stayed in! But the bed is still like sleeping on the floor of a cave. No getting past that, I don't think. They just like extra firm stuff around these parts. I'm gonna need 10 hours of Thai massages to fix my back and neck. In fact, I'm gonna go get one now.

*Update: For the ride back, we found the actual bus station with the actual bus that we should have boarded from Bangkok. It was state-of-the-art with an actual restroom in the back! The universe laughed at me because I never even had the slightest urge to pee during the entire 2-hour ride.

Moving Along

Bangkok, Thailand

Made it into the city around 12:30am. Walked around asking for a room at hotels, guesthouses, and hostels for the next hour! I am so thankful that my bro always carries my bag for me! Seemed like everyone was at capacity but we finally found a little spot to lay our heads. Oh, and let the Thai Boy party begin! There are even signs outside of certain clubs and lounges saying, No Thai Boys Allowed.

As a general rule, I’m viewing every Asian here as a male until proven otherwise. Nothing wrong with that, but you do start to feel a little confused and betrayed by your instincts with the amount of people that live this lifestyle. You think that you should be able to tell the difference but I’m not placing a Baht of my money on it.

Oh, check out this little hole in the wall. They know how to promote!

Even Ronald knows how to be culturally appropriate.

I Feel Good All Over!

Koh Phi Phi Don, Malaysia

I did make it a point to try out that Thai Massage…Just like in the movies. Bars and handrails are fixed to the ceilings and they walk all over you!  They use all parts of their bodies to massage with: elbows, toes, forearms, chins, feet, knees-- they contort your body all sorts of ways that I’d never even considered bending and then they Go. To. Work. I don’t think they are licensed to be doing all of the chiropractic work that they put in but it feels good, regardless.

I had, hands down, the loooongest back crack of my entire life during one of these sessions! (And I have a chiropractor, so that's saying something!) I can’t explain the position because I couldn’t see my masseuse but I was sitting cross legged with my fingers intertwined behind my head; I was pulled around in a big arc (like I was swaying or something) with their knee in my back and I think every single vertebrae cracked starting from my coccyx to my cervical spine! It didn't hurt at all. In fact, I felt a lot better afterward. I‘d only ever had one massage before coming to Asia, and now I think they’ve created a monster. With things so cheap, I just can’t help myself.

We also gave in and tried the fish spa. They are a few hundred imported Turkish fish that suck the dead skin off of your feet and legs. I couldn't gain control over myself to stop laughing, I never knew I was so ticklish! 

Watch me lose it

The tickle monsters

Ohhhh Ohhhh Sometimes, I Get a Good Feelin', YEAH!

Koh Phi Phi Don, Malaysia

Evening

So, what had happened was...

Got back from our tour and had a nice Indian dinner. We then made our way back to the room to freshen up and recuperate. Upon arriving at the hotel, it started to rain. Perfect timing, really. Our whole day was great weather and right when we got back to our spot, the rain came. Since I was planning on walking the island anyway, I omitted showering, left behind my shoes and shirt, and took off in the rain. (Shoes are frequently left outside the door here in Asia. At stores, hotels, businesses, etc. "Shoes, no service".)

I went down to the beach where it was basically a ghost town because apparently a lot of people are allergic to water. Every night, the bars and restaurants that line the beach set themselves up as dance clubs by laying out dance floors on the sand, complete with music, torches, fire dancers, and lighting. Various spots use bamboo stages, plywood floors, raised platforms; you name it, I saw it. They each have their own sound systems and play competing music just as loudly as their neighbors. The only thing the rain had an effect on was tourist attendance (and the fire dancers got the night off).

As I ran out onto the beach I got a wild surge of adrenaline. The rain was coming down in sheets and lightning occasionally took the beach from darkness and flashing neon lights to startling white–like the world's farthest reaching strobe light. The island is beautiful with the progression from ocean, to sand, to trees, to mountains and seeing this landscape light up like this was inexplicably gorgeous.

There were only probably thirty people on the beach along this stretch of about 10-12 clubs and every one of them was at a bar under cover from the rain. I was soaked, hair down and matted to my face, so I ran along the water and dove in. I was like Forest Gump, I just felt like run-NING! I ran down the beach thinking to have a late night workout in the rain but when I got to the end of the string of clubs, I was pulled to the dance floor by some invisible force. I don't know what was playing, I don't even think I liked the music, all I know is that I began at one end of the beach and started dancing all by myself and if you'd tried: Nuh uh, you couldn't tell me nothin'! The few spectators that were present watched me curiously and I couldn't care less. I'd dance for a minute, maybe two, even an entire song if I was feeling it and then I'd jump down from that dance floor and run over to the next one and do the same thing. I showered under gutters as I moved along, took a dip in the ocean if it felt right, and never stopped moving!

Eventually, a few people started to come out of the woodworks to dance with me. I'd get them out to the dance floor, get the party started, and move on to the next. Seriously, club owners should have been paying me for drawing business for them! I danced my way down the beach, soaked to the bone and loving it. My hair was dripping, my shorts were soaked, and my heart rate probably on the verge of cardiac arrest! I whipped my hair, jumped around like a fool, and danced with wild abandon until my natural high was finally taken down a notch as the rain eventually slowed and people started to emerge from the shadows. I flying high for at least an hour before I came back to earth.

I have no photos. No video. Just a memory and a feeling that I don't ever want to forget. It's great to be alive!

All In a Day's Work

Koh Phi Phi Ley

Toured the other island today. Cost us 200 Baht (roughly $6.50 USD) for a 6-hour tour including water, drinks, fresh fruit, snorkels, and a party boat!

We took a longtail boat, which was very authentic. I feel like I have touched on almost every form of transportation since leaving Australia, less than two weeks ago! There were about 20 people on our boat from all over the place and meeting them and exchanging travel advice was a nice experience.

We started out by going to Monkey Bay which was dim in comparison to the Monkey Forest that we visited in Bali but it was still good.

Then we went around to a little bay that I don't know the name of and swam for a bit. The water was turquoise with really good underwater visibility.

After that stop, we went snorkeling which was nice but I didn't have an underwater camera. I saw Nemo, his dad, and even his mother was still alive! I was scared to touch the sea anemone. There was also this devilish-looking black and white fish that I'm gonna have nightmares about. Oh, and I saw what I would describe as a sea caterpillar except that it was as long as three quarters of my arm and fat! It was wild. It's feet were suction things and it was spotted. I swam a lot that day!

Next stop, Maya Bay. I knew not to expect exactly what The Beach portrayed, only because it is all touristy now and that for the movie they actually planted extra palm trees and things to make it look more tropical (which were removed after filming). But looking past all of the people and boats, it was a very nice spot. A secluded cove surrounded by high rock faces covered in greenery. We walked off the beach and through the rainforest as well and found little huts where locals presumably live.

On the ride back, we docked up with a larger boat (after I was granted my request to operate the longtail boat, which was a lot more difficult than it looked!) and cruised back to the main island in style. They played music, sang, some danced, and I dove from the boat into the ocean as we went along. The sun set and we took a leisurely pace back to Koh Phi Phi Don.

Just offshore from docking the pier, this happened:

When pictures are impossible and words fall short, how can I possibly explain to you what it is that I experienced?!? The water glows at night. Actually, it doesn’t just glow, it sparkles! On the way back to port, we jumped off of our boat one last time into the extreme darkness of the bay and when you disturb the water, it starts to sparkle like green diamonds…exactly like in the Disney movies when a fairy waves her wand. Little bright green, four-pointed sparkles. I was told that it is the plankton that glow like this. I don’t care what it was, it was freakin’ AH-MAZ-ING! I was so absorbed by what I was experiencing that I wasn’t even caught up thinking of all of the other things with me in the water that go “boom” in the night. I grabbed a snorkel to see what was happening beneath the surface and the more you moved and created a ripples underwater, the more glowing green specs appeared. I’ll admit, it was more impressive above water due to the fact that it sparkled but underwater was still a sight to behold because the water that was supposed to be black as the night was...was glowing!

My next post will describe the note that this night ended on, and in my personal opinion: the fat lady sung her ass off like she was auditioning for American Idol in front of Jesus.