A Long Way From Home

Family and friends (and anyone else who stumbles upon this blog), welcome!

Let it be known that: I have an aversion to Facebook, internet is super inconvenient to come by Down Under, international phone call charges are a joke, and I love any excuse to write. Which is why I chose to blog my experiences while living abroad.

Because I worked primarily with high school students while living in Australia, I decided to limit my daily sharing of events that included them (which was a lot), in an effort to preserve their privacy. But that didn't stop me from documenting many of the other unscripted 'WTF?' moments that collectively made up my life. Like the time someone called the police to have me apprehended for assault, or when I was verbally reprimanded for refusing service, the moment when I finally grasped an understanding of what ping pong means in Asia (hint: it is not an Olympic sport), how I came to be physically violated by wild monkeys, the truth behind 'happy endings' (spoiler alert: they're real), and much more.

In case you're wondering, let me debrief you on how I got here: My brother traveled through Darwin and loved it. He told me he thought I'd love it too. Found out that foreigners find a lot of work with youth. Sounded awesome. I emailed the principal at a local boarding school and proposed a position for myself. She told me that if I came down, she'd hear me out in person. I booked my ticket. She hired me on the spot. Now I'm in living below the belt in a country that is essentially a ginormous island populated by species that I thought went extinct along with the dinosaurs. (Seriously, I swear I've seen miniature raptors.)

Note to Readers:

Blogger is set to post in reverse order which means that the newest posts are defaulted to show first. (This one in particular–my very first post–will remain as the homepage.) The next post you'll see as you scroll down will be my most recent entry. To read this starting at the beginning and follow in sequence, use the blog archive tool on the lower left side of the page and start at the oldest date. Enjoy!

Spelunking in New Zealand

Auckland, New Zealand

We went over to NZ from Sydney and drove around the North island. There was a lot of pretty pasture and tons of sheep and cattle! We were really just enjoying the sights, vs. participating in too many activities. We did, however, spleunk. Ever heard of it?

It's also called caving and refers to the exploration of wild cave systems. We did it! And it was awesome. The water is unbelievably cold, which is why you need to wear a dry suit, and the caves are pitch black with rivers flowing through them. Did I mention the glow worms? Yep, they line the cave ceilings and look like distant stars. SO COOL!

So, Here's How It All Went Down
To start, we rappelled down a 100 ft tunnel into the depths of the cave. Then, we zip-lined in total darkness to cross a void! One of the tour guides kept pranking people at the end of the line by getting directly in their faces as they hung in darkness and silence, completely unaware of his presence and wondering where everybody was, then he'd flick his flashlight on from under his chin and scare the crap outta them! I zipped down first, so I got to witness each person's horror and relief. It was goooood. Mom, in true Mom fashion, screamed in terror the whole way down the zip line. Haha! Love her.

On the initial descent into earth's depths...

There were about 8 people in our group. Some of them had no business being there because it was obvious that they'd rather be surfing the internet in the safe, warm confines of their humble abode. Two people actually bailed out, which took us down to one guide because the other had to lead the quitters to an uneventful exit path. Thanks for endangering the group on account of your fear of adventure! 

Next, we jumped into the river and got into inner tubes. We pulled ourselves upstream for a while (a rope was affixed to the rock) to extend the trip and get better visibility of the glow worms. After we let go and floated downstream, we eventually came to an impasse where tubes were no longer effective so we ditched them and prodded through the water on foot. We swam through narrow passageways, belly-crawled under tight rock formations, and climbed underground waterfalls! Speaking of which, my mom was climbing the waterfall behind me and she fell off but was luckily caught by the remaining tour guide before hitting the sharp rocks! Unfortunately, he hurt his knee in the process and she dislocated her shoulder. She couldn't move her arm and needed to be helped out of the cave so the instructor and my dad accompanied her on an alternate route out of the cave. I was already at the top of the waterfall and I couldn't descend at that point so the person I was with and I were instructed to move forward to find the exit from the cave! It was fun and easy (although a little creepy, since the only light was coming from our headlamps).

Me, finally finding daylight as I exited the cave!

Dislocation Station

We had to go straight to a hospital to get my mom's shoulder reset. It took them about 3 hours to get it back in place but their healthcare system worked in such a way that there was no charge for her ER visit. It killed the day because the whole ordeal went well past midnight and mom was miserable with pain as we drove back toward Auckland to catch our plane home.

Looks like this is the end of the line for me. America, I'm coming home!

A Trip Down the Coast

Down the Eastern coast of Australia

I linked up with my parents in Cairns and we accomplished a lot in a short period of time! In just over a week, we:

Traveled the Daintree Rainforest
To my knowledge, I'd never been in a rainforest before. I learned that rainforests are called so because of the amount of precipitation they get, so even though I had envisioned the Amazon, all rain forest's plant life are not created equal.

We rode up and over the rainforest canopy on a sky rail and got off to explore the town at the sumit. It was mostly authentic arts and crafts vendors. To descend, we took the train.

View of an impressive waterfall from the train in Daintree. 

Visited Magnetic Island

This is where I saw my first koala in the wild! I was becoming concerned that I wouldn't see any on my trip. This island is off of the coast of Townsville and was filled with secluded beaches and minimal foot traffic. It was a nice getaway.

 I almost didn't spot this guy! 

Snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef

I refused to leave Australia without first seeing the reef! It was an ugly day above the surface, but gorgeous down below. Our 150 ft yacht was amazing and served one of the best meals I've tasted in my entire life! I need to get the name of the company so that I can recommend them to everyone I know! It also had a mini submarine attached to it that I rode in. I didn't really like the feeling of being underwater and under pressure. It was a little sickening for me, to be honest. 

I did come face-to-face with what I'm deeming a tiger shark. It may not have been a tiger shark but if not, it was a zebra shark. And if that's not a real thing, then I don't know what to say. It was big and I was snorkeling deep when it swam across my face! It was striped black and white and was long and skinny. UPDATE: I figured it out! It's called a banded shark or cat shark. Check it out here. Guess it's not that scary, after all. 

Dad, Mom, and myself, all suited up to dive!

Visited a wildlife conservatory

If you have limited time and want to see all of the wildlife that you don't often see in your home country, where do you go? To a wildlife center. And so, we did. 

I had a little too much fun with this statue:

 Shhh! They're sleeping...

There is a petting-zoo type of enclosure for the wallabies and you can go in and interact with them. I fed them out of my hand!

They're super gentle. The same can't be said of their cousin, the kangaroo!

I actually held a snake. Never thought I'd be that girl but once you've held a croc, 

you're basically a professional handler.

Tried to Take Pictures with Every Type of Road-Crossing Sign We Came Across 

I don't think there was one for crocs:

Dad tried to drive the rental car immediately after possessing it but the first thing he did was go the wrong way around a roundabout as we were exiting the airport. He pulled over and got out without speaking and I just casually took his place. It's best not to insult the egos of men, especially when they've already surrendered.

Thanks for the reminder!

Made it to Sydney

I went in the Sydney Opera House, checked out Luna Park, and visited the Sydney Zoo. The transportation system here is very sophisticated! 

Dad and I in the marina in front of the opera house

Drove Down to See the Twelve Apostles

There are only like 6 remaining at this point, but it is still pretty amazing what the forces of nature can do! Along this drive, I also spotted 60+ koalas and 2 kangaroos! I eventually stopped counting the koalas because the closer we got to dusk, the more obvious they became. Most of those pictures were taken on Dad's camera so I don't have them to share right now.

Mom and I huddling for warmth, with some of the remaining 

Twelve Apostles standing in the background

Not bad for about a week and 2k miles, eh?

Farewell, Darwin

Today I am packing up my little apartment on campus and heading to the airport to leave Darwin for the foreseeable future. A lot of my students are understandably upset and don't fully comprehend the working visa restrictions that I have to abide by. I've given them all my contact information and I hope lots of us stay in touch! I'm on to my next adventure but this one won't soon be forgotten.

Fare thee well, Darwin!

Job #3: Wrap Up

Now that I am officially no longer working there (on account of beginning my travels back to America) and there is no way for you to know which of my many charges I am describing, I will tell you some of the highlights of my experience working with these at-risk kids:

• Wanted to have privacy (understandably) so jumped out of a moving vehicle and ran away.

• Was upset that caregiver refused to take them to the mall so went outside and used a crowbar to break out the four side windows of the company car.

• Threw a brick through the front window of their house, out of frustration.

• Completely and thoroughly curse out their caregivers on a daily basis.

• Stole a car and drove nearly 200 miles inland before being caught and imprisoned.

• Threw a fit and tossed caregiver's purse into the swimming pool.

• Stole money from caregiver's wallet.

Now, let me just say that with certain kids, there are always two caregivers on duty, so as to provide protection for each other and to help control situations that may get out of hand. I am happy to report that these kids had a certain degree of respect for me–I think it was because I didn't take their bullsh*t like many of the other caregivers did. I respected them as much as they deserved it but I wasn't offering charity or one to be played. That being said, while I did witness either the act or the aftermath of all of these infractions, none of them were ever pulled on me, specifically. 

It's really unfortunate that these kids are in the situations that they are. I really hope that they will come out of the other side of their circumstances, whole and better for it.

Fresh Water Oasis

Berry Springs
NT, Australia

We took a bunch of students out to Berry Springs today. The wet season is ending and along with it, floods and inland-traveling crocodiles, so we had to kick off the season right!

There are cages positioned at the bottom of these swimming areas. AKA crocodile traps! It creeps me out to think about it. At the end of every wet season, divers set them and extract whatever crocodiles they can, then open the area to public swimming. In the wet season (about October-March), torrential rain downpours for a large part of everyday and there are spectacular lightning storms to go with it. These rains raise water levels and crocodiles are then able to swim back up streams that connect with larger bodies of water. As they travel inland, people stop getting in the water. See how that works?

In the dry season, there is quite literally no rain and the weather is pure Heaven. Crystal clear blue skies with no clouds in sight, no humidity (none that you can detect), and a caressing breeze coming off of the neighboring ocean. Day in. Day out. That is what is coming over the next few months and I'm only going to get to enjoy a few weeks of it! In all fairness, I arrived here at the end of the dry season so I did experience it for about two months, last year.

Anyway, back to Berry Springs. We were informed that a croc had been pulled from here about 2 weeks prior but that none had been seen since. Was that supposed to be comforting? These kids aren't scared (of anything--which is terrifying), so I had to puff up my chest and pretend that I wasn't at all squeamish about the whole thing.

 Crocodile management signage

Aside from the biting fish (yeah, if you held still for more than a few seconds, they would try to eat your flesh–they felt like ant bites), it was awesome! The water was clear and tasteless. The greenery around the area was beautiful and there were little rock faces and waterfalls to jump from and enjoy. One of my girls insisted on practicing her photography skills (she's taking a class) and I became her subject. So, here's a montage of her work:

 Wading in the spring (and secretly dreading the crocs swimming beneath me)

 Itty-bitty baby turtles were swimming around

 So cute!

In a canopy of ferns

 Floating in one of the three major swimming areas

 Being beaten up by a mini waterfall

Move over, Baywatch

What can I say? She captured my essence.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

I've just received word from my parents that they are going to come Down Under and travel with me as I head back up to the States! We are going to meet up in Cairns and travel down the coast before heading over to New Zealand.

Since I have so many siblings, this one-on-one time is gonna be an extra special treat! Can't wait to tell you all about it...

Back in the Land of the Aussies

Darwin, Australia

I made it safely back to Darwin, which means it's back to work! I had a great trip that broke down to costing right at $1500 USD for three weeks of travel, including: airfare (6 legs), accommodations, land and sea transportation, food and drink, spa services, and entertainment! I must have lost my mind to ever board that last plane.

I'm excited to see the Girls and tell them about (parts of) my trip. I only have a few months of eligibility left on my working visa, so I've gotta make 'em count!

Going Out In Style

Bali, Indonesia

Happy Birthday, Daddy! And if you ever actually read my blog--which was mostly intended for the likes of you--you’d actually see this acknowledgement. *she frowns disapprovingly*

I'm pretty sure that it's Traveling 101 knowledge that you don't eat the meat or drink the water in certain countries. But being the rebel that I am, I made the genius decision to challenge this theory...you're welcome. Conclusion? Don't eat the meat or drink the water in certain countries (this includes mall food courts). How did I make it this entire trip right up to my last 24 hours and then make the genius decision to eat the beef? IDIOT. Food poisoning: check. I'll spare you the gory details.

After consuming that delightful meal in Bangkok, we took off to the airport on a flight back to spend our last day in Bali. Regardless of the state of my colon, I went to the beach because surfing is such a big draw here and I wanted to literally "test the waters" bodysurfing. Spoiler alert: I suck. I got tossed around like a dead cat in a rabid dogs clenches and I'm not ashamed to admit that I missed 80% of the waves that I didn't attempt. Sense made? Not for me, either. But that's just how my brain is operating now that my head is mostly filled with saltwater. 

In celebration of the last day of my Asian journey, I decided to go out with a spa day. Eat your heart out but spare your pockets the trouble:

Hair: Cream bath deep conditioning treatment with 20-minute head massage; steam conditioning treatment accompanied by shoulder, neck, and arm massage while under steamer; hair vitamin leave-in treatment; and wash.

Body: 1-hour full body Balinese massage.

Manicure: With hand massage.

Pedicure: With leg massage.

Grand total: Just under $20.00 USD

The only reason I can justify leaving here is because I'm not going home yet! Plus, I kinda miss the girls back at the school. Time really does fly, doesn’t it?

Oh, Thailand. Let Me Count the Ways...

So much to do in so little time! Also, who wants to spend their limited vacation time hopping around to little cafés searching for wifi access? Not I, says the cat. (It's The Little Red Hen, I do that sometimes. Catch up!) So, here are my thoughts about the amazing place that is Thailand...

Phuket

Loved it. Very nice beaches and the Koh Phi Phi Islands were well worth the 1.5-2hr ferry trip out to them. Would go back again and again.

Pattaya

This place kept me fully entertained at no cost to me. Beaches were nice but people have littered in the water too much to really enjoy that part of it. Don't get so wrapped up in visiting Bangkok that you miss out on this gem!

Bangkok

I was definitely not expecting Bangkok to be what it was. It surpassed those expectations. There is a lot to do for little money, and a lot of culture to be found without living in the slums. By the way, differing from common depictions, Bangkok is not all made up of congested, apartment-style living units with cluttered clotheslines, loud outdoor kitchens, multi-colored cloth awnings hanging across alleys, surrounded by merchants smoking cigars. There are those parts--I don’t deny it. And you can find those outdoor kitchens without looking for them. (They just pop up everywhere. People literally throw some tables and chairs out, call themselves a restaurant and pack up at the end of the day. FDA!!!) But it is a city just like any other with certain areas favorable to tourism, nightlife, shopping, upscale living, and of course, dirty hoods.

Thai Massage

These massages are unique. They really do hold onto bars from the ceiling, walk all over you, stretching, twisting and tangling your body while they work. Their main selling point is that they emphasize pressure point stimulation. Sometimes the combination of all of this offers a sweet pain, but like I said, it is sweet. Sports therapists need to get wit’ it and incorporate these Thai techniques into the treatment of their athletes if they haven’t already. It's not quite as relaxing as Balinese massages but effective, all the same. Did I tell you that in Bali they sometimes offer to massage your boobs? (I plead the fifth.) And one more thing about Thai massages: The stories are true. They will sex you if you are a man—I didn’t incite any offers—for a little extra honey. Some even seemed like they would be willing to pay you to let them have their fun. Some masseurs were very professional and spiritual, others giddy, talkative, or a little too comfortable with their sexuality. There is never a shortage of entertainment in this country. Long live Thailand!

Here I am, nice and relaxed after my last Thai massage.

Beaches

Beautiful. Very good water clarity. Turquoise water and (some white) sandy beaches. A lot of them were severely over-crowded with people and umbrellas for rent, so avoid those spots if you can. Other places were too crowded with refreshingly confident senior citizens sporting speedos and thong bikinis (Pattaya). 

Bird Crazy

Angry Birds is an insane craze, here. There are t-shirts, slippers, key chains, speaker systems, stuffed animals, towels, playing cards, virtual worlds (each bird has a name and personality), etc. All of Asia has fallen prey to this epidemic. I started to really notice the damage in Singapore and it made its way up the coast. Wear your surgical mask (as many, many Asians do) to keep the virus out of your system!

Shopping

Thailand had no shortage of shopping opportunities. In fact, I found it to be too overwhelming and caught a case of performance anxiety. I only purchased three things on my trip: a scarf, a pair of contoloupe (not sure how to spell that one) pants, and my portrait. Overall, everywhere had a lot of cute styles with a nice variety but everything was cheaply made. Prices are good enough but you have to do so much haggling that you start to wonder if it’s even worth it! I didn’t put any emphasis on this because of the lack of quality and the general rule of every shop owner that ‘one size fits all’ (AKA, size 0-4), which clearly excludes my royal thickness. Skirts and tops were too short, pant legs barely got up past my knee before getting stuck, and I didn’t even bother glancing at shoes because I already knew the deal. But while I wasn’t glancing, I did notice a lot of really cute and original styles!

Insects

Mosquitos are tearin’ my butt up! Everywhere in Asia has been bad. I’m in the airport right now getting eaten up for no good reason. Constant irritant. And I can’t be certain, but something else has been nibbling at my ankles and shins. Ants? Something in the ocean? It will remain a mystery. Unless I die. In which case, someone should call for an autopsy.

Strange little facts and observations about Asia:

White is right

Asians apparently strive to be fair-skinned. I purchased some lotion and after using the entire bottle I read the only part that was written in English:

"Skin Whitening Lotion. Use daily to lighten your complexion and give you a fairer skin tone.”

All of the lotion in stores was either, “skin lightening”, “skin brightening”, or “skin whitening”. WOW. I really set myself back with that one. I had a nice tan going from being at the beach, too. But that’s history now.

Desperately digging for gold

I saw too many Thai people to count with their fingers stuck up their noses. The thing was, they weren’t trying to hide it. The worst was a go-go dancer all skimpily clad outside of her club trying to solicit patrons while going at it. They weren’t completely without shame, though. Not once did I see someone put that finger it in their mouth. *Light applause*

Dumbfounded

There are so many variables to this equation that I have to assume there are multiple answers. But the problem is that we were the locals’ main attraction all day everyday. I get the Foreigner thing but we weren’t the only foreigners, though we were the only foreigners walking under a constant spotlight. People were taking photos around us and pretending to be taking them of something else even when it was obvious that as the backdrop, we were the focal point. Most stared, some laughed, others pointed, some gave the ‘once over’ look, fewer took photos, some actually gaped with a confused look on their faces, and almost everyone noticed. I just walked tall and confidently with a smile on my face and took it as a compliment. (Hey! No one asked your opinion.)

I’ve gotta go, bad!

Not sure if this was strictly for my entertainment or what, but throughout an entire mall in Bangkok (Siam-something) all bathroom signs looked like the one above my head in this picture:

Bigfoot

I warned you that these Asian dudes are creepy with the claws but it wasn’t until I saw this kid playing RockBand at an arcade in Bangkok that I realized their feet weren’t exempt from the horror.

Final Night in Thailand

Bangkok, Thailand

So, I walked out of a mall this evening and into a crowded area with a stage. It turned out that a bunch of local high school-aged kids were showcasing their dance talents. I have to give them credit for putting energy into something physical, safe, and fun (insert inappropriate stereotypical theory for which I have seen zero cases for validation *wink wink*). But that's it. That's all that I have to give them credit for. I curse America’s Best Dance Crew for giving these kids hope that they can be America’s (or any country’s) Favorite Dance Crew! Most of these kids were far from terrible but none of them showed the potential to be anyone’s backup dancer, either.

My opinions are admittedly ethnocentric, despite my best efforts (at least I'm aware?). No heterosexual American male would willingly dance out some of the sequences that these kids were performing without feeling insecure about his masculinity. It's amazing how norms differ so much between cultures! It was also funny watching the girls because all day you see them running around town in their school girl uniforms (wholesome from head to toe: frumpy white button-up blouse, dark blue calf-length hideously pleated skirts, matching blue neck scarf, hair bow, high white socks, and black, buckled baby doll shoes) but on stage they were moving to a much more sexual beat. I don't know how to explain the night and day difference that took place up there. I seriously felt like I was committing a crime just by watching! It was like someone dropped a Mentos in a Coke bottle and shook that baby up until the top popped. Too young, too inexperienced, and too Westernized. Fathers, lock your daughters back up before they become "Ping Pong Players"!

Look at these moving walkways. I found them in the Bangkok airport. They are long and go up one level each. There were about five floors of them and I was entertained like a child because of the hilliness.

This was my final day in Thailand and tomorrow will be the final full day of my trip! Three weeks went by really fast. Wow. I’m sure that once I’m back in Australia I will slack on updating this thing. Just expect that, whoever is listening . . .

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say, Say Nothing At All

At the imminent risk of being insensitive, stereotypical, culturally ignorant, and rude, let me just say that it seems to me that Thai babies born as females have only a handful of choices in life: run a roadside shop; hawk sliced fruit; become a masseuse; be a go-go dancer, stripper, and/or “ping pong player”; or be a White Man’s girlfriend. Babies born Thai males on the other hand can: rent out umbrellas on the beach; drive various forms of taxis; rent out motorbikes; solicit tourists into ping pong parties; or have a sex transformation to become some White Man’s girlfriend. If these were my options, it’d be too tough to call.

That's all surface-level BS that I just spewed but seriously, Society....what's the deal?

Touring It Up!

Bangkok, Thailand

Did the tourist thing today. It was heavily recommended to seek out the temples in Bangkok so I set aside some time and knocked it out. Some were free but of course the ones that actually looked appealing were not. Paid the tourist price (overpriced but still reasonable at the exchange rate) to walk through the grounds of the Grand Palace.

Grand Palace

Would have been nice if someone would’ve let me know BEFORE I paid my money that most of the place was under construction, you aren’t allowed to enter hardly any of the temples and photos/video are prohibited inside of them. A security guard tried to confiscate my camera phone for lack of understanding. All the while he was harassing me, loads of other people were getting their shots off. This dude was a joke. I had to literally pry my phone out of his hands and he was trying to grab it back and shouting, “police!” He wanted my password and I told him he wasn’t gettin’ it. He knew English well enough. If he wasn’t such an ass he could have just asked me for what he wanted, which was to delete certain photos. In the end, I did because I have no use for a blurry photo of fake gold and a tiny green Buddha-- I’d already photographed 10 other Buddhas today, and guess what? They're all quite similar. That squabble with the local guard at least made my time in the Grand Palace remotely noteworthy. I’ll post photos but while things were pretty, they were inauthentic—at least in appearance. I’m not sure that they are truly historically significant because I see new ones being built on the streets today and I think they just want to take tourist’s money. Fake gold and gold colored foil everywhere. There may be a worldwide shortage in gold acrylic paint because of Thailand. Crafters, unite!

Outside Temple of the Emerald Buddha (where I was basically assaulted for my phone)

Just a cool golden statue

In front of Grand Palace

Inside a "gold"-filled temple (all look similar/same inside)

"Same same, but different" in Asian speak. They have T-shirts with this saying.

Remind anyone else of a warrior in Disney's, Mulan?

Tall guard statues. 'Bout 25-30 ft tall. Mostly gold.

Lots of their buddha statues are in this pose that has the right hand up in a "stop" gesture that I translated to, "talk to the hand". Can't really see the golden buddha's hand which just makes me look stupid.

"Golden" guards

Golden doorway (seeing a trend?)

Golden standing Buddha. Huge. Not good with heights so I don't know. 40ft?

Hate to sound so pessimistic, but even the Monks were a disappointment! They wore the orange garb, but they had far from a remote style of living. They were rockin’ iPods, smart phones, Ray Bans, and some were even taking photos of temples like they were the tourists (maybe they were on some type of sabbatical?). It was funny to be smacked in the face with the reality that movies are a crock of poo and that I was just as guilty of relying on them as the Australian population is of using them as a basis of their opinion of America--Everyone else, too. 

Harassed to the Max

Bangkok, Thailand

In lieu of playing the tourist, today I rode around town in a Tuk Tuk. These are just motorcycles with a covered cart attached to them. Their operators drive like crazy people and overcharge but I wanted to experience this unfamiliar form of transportation.

Tuk Tuk drivers had this promotional thing going where they would take you around to a few landmarks for very cheap but you had to stop a few places for them, too (of course, because everyone wants something). They got fuel stipends from travel agents, jewelry crafters, and tailors for bringing tourists to their places of business. We went along with the gimmick.

Here are a few snippets of ridiculously entertaining conversations that were had today as a result of us declining to make a purchase in different scenarios:

Scene 1: Refused Taxi...

Local: “Do you have 20 baht?”

Me: “No.” (Not a lie—my bro had it)

Local: “Ah! You come Bangkok with no money?!?! You STUPID!” Walks off.

Me: Laughs

Scene 2: After being schemed/forced into going into a tailoring shop...

Me: “I don’t want to buy a suit today.”

Local: “Ah! You shouldn’t shop at places like this,” look of disgust, “you too cheap.”

Me: Laughs (what else do you expect?)

Scene 3: After being hounded to go to a massage parlor and going inside for a look at the facility, I returned outside...

Me: “I don’t want one right now but if I do come back at all it won’t be for about two hours. I’m going to check out some other places, so I’m not sure yet.”

Girl harassing me: “Okay see you later!”

Later, as I am walking past the shop

Girl: “Okay, you come now!”

Me: “No. I’ve decided against it.”

Girl: “Why you say no?!? You, Liar!”

Me: Laughs

Scene 4: After agreeing to be a part of a scheme to go into another shop, was told the item I truly sought was unavailable but instead of letting us leave right then, a sales pitch was thrown to sell a tailored suit...

Me: “I’m going to look at other places that were less expensive.”

Local: Bitterly, “Why you didn’t just leave when I told you we no have? Why you waste my time?” and, “I think you’re still students. I think you need to go back to school. You have no knowledge. You need knowledge. You don’t have enough. You have a lot to learn.” Goes outside and spits on the ground.

Me: “Okay, thank you!” Laughs. P.S. - We're definitely not students. I took care of that paper years ago. But I should probably relay this message to my alma mater.

I could have said so much more or even pulled a Pretty Woman scene by flaunting the especially green bills in my possession (they feign for American money and I was SO tempted but that would be asking for trouble and add to the arrogant stereotype that Americans hold so dearly) but I took the high(er) road because I couldn’t stop laughing! That pissed them off enough. I thought about pulling out a wad of cash and saying to my bro, “He’s right. We should take all of this money that we don’t know what to do with and use it to pay for more schooling. We need the knowledge.” What do they expect? They are scheming and I’m onto their game. No one actually asked to be taken to a tailor! That is a pretty specific niche to be pushed into, unrequested. They might as well have taken me to an auto parts store for all of the relevance these shops had. Being pushy gets you nowhere with me. I'm Ayers Rock when I need to be.

Leaving Pattaya

Pattaya, Thailand

Had anyone ever before heard of Pattaya, Thailand? I hadn’t. Ended up here by a last minute decision to hit the beach. Let me just give it a little round of applause for being a marvelously unsuspecting good time. *cheers*

Our bus trip back to Bangkok confirmed my unsupported but otherwise certain suspicion that the bus we took to Pattaya was all kinds of wrong. The return bus was clean, organized (assigned seats), and even had a bathroom on board! I didn’t know this and taking a lesson from my last experience, I’d intentionally avoided a single drop of liquid all day prior to boarding. In fact, the last thing I did before getting on the bus back was to use the restroom at the station. They had a swivel gate set up outside of the entrance and charged 3 baht to go in the restroom! Once inside, I noticed that there was toilet paper in the trashcans but none in the stalls and figured it ran out. I asked the attendant whom I’d already paid if I could have some toilet paper. Her response was, “toilet paper, 5 baht!” Psssh! Guess who got blasted with the kitchen sink sprayer again? She did (no, I'm not referencing the attendant).

This bus was heavenly compared to the one we took coming out to Pattaya. That isn’t saying much but really, it was such a welcome relief! No more incessant horn honking, broken and filthy seats, lack of toilet, mosquito plagues, rude attendants, annoying television, violations of personal belongings (had an undercarriage), frequent drop offs and pick ups, or being left somewhere on the side of the road instead of at the station. Hallelujah!

Please, Somebody Bring Back Woodstock

Bangkok, Thailand

World peace . . .  Brotherly love . . .  Love thy neighbor as thyself . . . Long gone are the days of people being courteous and nice just for the simple act of being courteous and nice! I’m so tired of everybody wanting something from me. 

If you are looking at a map, someone will nicely approach you and help give directions but there’s a catch: they will conveniently have some form of transportation around the corner and offer to take you (for some ridiculously overpriced sum of money) and if you decline using it, they get pissed and curse you! They have so many schemes set up that involve various people working as a unit that I won’t even get into it. Just don’t ever assume that someone here is ever doing something out of the goodness of their heart. Someone is paying them. Sometimes multiple people are paying them. They will get over on you any chance that you give them so just be firm and don’t be stupid.

FDA Unapproved

Pattaya, Thailand

There is nothing that you can safely eat here. Nothing. Oh, so that’s chicken, you say? Doubtful. I’ve seen a lot of stray dogs lying around the streets but Thailand is suspiciously lacking a population of stray cats . . .

Since things couldn’t get worse and I really have no accurate knowledge of what it is that I’m consuming when I'm eating here anyway, I took the plunge. The Fear Factor plunge. I consciously, knowingly, and willingly ate a bug. A little frog, too. My bro downed a grasshopper. I think my bug was some sort of a grub. It looked like I stole it right out from Pumba's hoof in The Lion King. It exploded in my mouth and I couldn’t help but to have scenes from the movie flash through my head as I bore down with each chewy bite. “Hakuna Matata!” and, “chewy, yet satisfying . . .” I did not agree. They were well roasted and seasoned, which was my saving grace. Here is what the cart had to offer:

Scorpion, frog, big cockroach, smaller roach, cricket, grasshopper, grub, and other stuff that I run from when they are alive.

Locals actually buy these things by the bagful and eat them by the handful like peanuts!

I think I earned my Open-Minded Traveler card, today. If not, 'F' it.

Lost Footage

Meant to show you this glimpse at part of one of the inexplicably large malls in Kuala Lumpur.

Walking Street

Pattaya, Thailand

Going to Pattaya? (The answer is 'Yes'.) Go to Walking Street. Period. Here was my experience:

Insanity ensued. People. Lots and lots of people. The street is affectionately named ‘Walking Street’ because at night it is closed off to motor vehicles. It is a quarter mile strip plagued with Go-go clubs, strip clubs, restaurants, shops, carnival/circus-type acts, break dancers, Thai boxing, singers, neon lights, tourists, artists, Thai Boys, etc.

In the middle of Walking Street

End of Walking Street before the red lights were turned on (as in, it becomes a Red Light District)

Scorpion Girl

Let hundreds of scorpions crawl on her body. Not much of a talent, but a sight to see, even if they are the non-stinging kind. Check out the sign. Am I a jerk for calling, “Bullsh*t!”? I’ve seen too many women sitting on the streets at night with "their kids" ironically planted "asleep" on the sidewalks to prove their state of poverty to believe anything anyone around here says. When you turn the corner, they’ll tap the kid as if saying, Someone is coming. Quick! Get into position! And the kid (who was playing with dolls and eating candy moments before) will pretend to sleep or put on a sad face and ask for money when I JUST witnessed them jumping around and singing moments before their director called, “Action!” I'm not saying they couldn't use the help--I am saying that Mama 'aint raise no fool.

Young contortionist

Poor thing was being pranced around like a show monkey. Look at this outfit—they are trying to make her look like she’s seven but we can all tell she is too old to wear that tutu and hair bow. Little kids pull money easily so I understand the attempt. Not fooled, though.

Statue Boy

The only reason I mention him is cuz I caught a Thai Boy in the background.

Break dancing kids

They were battling and joking around but made for a good show.

Sketch artist

I had my portrait done for less than $10.00! I think he did a great job for what it was, though this photo does him no justice.

Whiny little kid?

This girl broke through the crowd at 1:00am, latched onto me while I was walking and told me, “20 baht,” for her to get off! She wasn’t even selling a pack of gum. 20 baht. I shook her loose for free. Scammers!

I never wanted for entertainment while I was here. Came here three nights because there were constantly new people and things to see. Want to know what I saw most consistently?

1) Innumerable White men with presumably purchased Thai women (some genuine and others not), ALWAYS holding hands.

2) Thai Boys on the prowl. They were very loud, bold, and aggressive in their approaches to find men to pick them up.

3) Lesbian Asian couples (not the sexy/attractive type).

4) Entirely too much makeup on every feminine looking Thai person. Made it impossible to tell the real from the fake. There were enough pounds of makeup on this street to sink a small island.

5) Thai Boys losing themselves in mirrors for minutes at a time, situating body parts and reapplying makeup.

6) Desperate-looking men drooling while watching go-go dancers through club windows.

I’m actually not even surprised to see men with breast implants and makeup-painted faces anymore. Crazy, huh? The thrill of it is fading from overexposure! Initially, I was trying to snap pictures of all of these people but they were mostly camera shy and I didn’t want to be obvious and rude. All I can tell you is that everything you think you know is true. Anything goes in Thailand. I feel disturbed by these old White men who come pick up Thai women because one of them spoke to me. He was a sex crazed, unambitious (or wrongfully directed?), socially disgusting, incredibly old, old man. He said that he used to idolize Hugh Hefner but now that he lives in Thailand, he gets all the young *BLEEP* that he wants--more than he’s ever had and all he wants is his own life now (Playboy mansions be damned). He was drunk but presumably truthful.

Random shots of Thai Boys: