Going Out In Style

Bali, Indonesia

Happy Birthday, Daddy! And if you ever actually read my blog--which was mostly intended for the likes of you--you’d actually see this acknowledgement. *she frowns disapprovingly*

I'm pretty sure that it's Traveling 101 knowledge that you don't eat the meat or drink the water in certain countries. But being the rebel that I am, I made the genius decision to challenge this theory...you're welcome. Conclusion? Don't eat the meat or drink the water in certain countries (this includes mall food courts). How did I make it this entire trip right up to my last 24 hours and then make the genius decision to eat the beef? IDIOT. Food poisoning: check. I'll spare you the gory details.

After consuming that delightful meal in Bangkok, we took off to the airport on a flight back to spend our last day in Bali. Regardless of the state of my colon, I went to the beach because surfing is such a big draw here and I wanted to literally "test the waters" bodysurfing. Spoiler alert: I suck. I got tossed around like a dead cat in a rabid dogs clenches and I'm not ashamed to admit that I missed 80% of the waves that I didn't attempt. Sense made? Not for me, either. But that's just how my brain is operating now that my head is mostly filled with saltwater. 

In celebration of the last day of my Asian journey, I decided to go out with a spa day. Eat your heart out but spare your pockets the trouble:

Hair: Cream bath deep conditioning treatment with 20-minute head massage; steam conditioning treatment accompanied by shoulder, neck, and arm massage while under steamer; hair vitamin leave-in treatment; and wash.

Body: 1-hour full body Balinese massage.

Manicure: With hand massage.

Pedicure: With leg massage.

Grand total: Just under $20.00 USD

The only reason I can justify leaving here is because I'm not going home yet! Plus, I kinda miss the girls back at the school. Time really does fly, doesn’t it?

Oh, Thailand. Let Me Count the Ways...

So much to do in so little time! Also, who wants to spend their limited vacation time hopping around to little cafés searching for wifi access? Not I, says the cat. (It's The Little Red Hen, I do that sometimes. Catch up!) So, here are my thoughts about the amazing place that is Thailand...

Phuket

Loved it. Very nice beaches and the Koh Phi Phi Islands were well worth the 1.5-2hr ferry trip out to them. Would go back again and again.

Pattaya

This place kept me fully entertained at no cost to me. Beaches were nice but people have littered in the water too much to really enjoy that part of it. Don't get so wrapped up in visiting Bangkok that you miss out on this gem!

Bangkok

I was definitely not expecting Bangkok to be what it was. It surpassed those expectations. There is a lot to do for little money, and a lot of culture to be found without living in the slums. By the way, differing from common depictions, Bangkok is not all made up of congested, apartment-style living units with cluttered clotheslines, loud outdoor kitchens, multi-colored cloth awnings hanging across alleys, surrounded by merchants smoking cigars. There are those parts--I don’t deny it. And you can find those outdoor kitchens without looking for them. (They just pop up everywhere. People literally throw some tables and chairs out, call themselves a restaurant and pack up at the end of the day. FDA!!!) But it is a city just like any other with certain areas favorable to tourism, nightlife, shopping, upscale living, and of course, dirty hoods.

Thai Massage

These massages are unique. They really do hold onto bars from the ceiling, walk all over you, stretching, twisting and tangling your body while they work. Their main selling point is that they emphasize pressure point stimulation. Sometimes the combination of all of this offers a sweet pain, but like I said, it is sweet. Sports therapists need to get wit’ it and incorporate these Thai techniques into the treatment of their athletes if they haven’t already. It's not quite as relaxing as Balinese massages but effective, all the same. Did I tell you that in Bali they sometimes offer to massage your boobs? (I plead the fifth.) And one more thing about Thai massages: The stories are true. They will sex you if you are a man—I didn’t incite any offers—for a little extra honey. Some even seemed like they would be willing to pay you to let them have their fun. Some masseurs were very professional and spiritual, others giddy, talkative, or a little too comfortable with their sexuality. There is never a shortage of entertainment in this country. Long live Thailand!

Here I am, nice and relaxed after my last Thai massage.

Beaches

Beautiful. Very good water clarity. Turquoise water and (some white) sandy beaches. A lot of them were severely over-crowded with people and umbrellas for rent, so avoid those spots if you can. Other places were too crowded with refreshingly confident senior citizens sporting speedos and thong bikinis (Pattaya). 

Bird Crazy

Angry Birds is an insane craze, here. There are t-shirts, slippers, key chains, speaker systems, stuffed animals, towels, playing cards, virtual worlds (each bird has a name and personality), etc. All of Asia has fallen prey to this epidemic. I started to really notice the damage in Singapore and it made its way up the coast. Wear your surgical mask (as many, many Asians do) to keep the virus out of your system!

Shopping

Thailand had no shortage of shopping opportunities. In fact, I found it to be too overwhelming and caught a case of performance anxiety. I only purchased three things on my trip: a scarf, a pair of contoloupe (not sure how to spell that one) pants, and my portrait. Overall, everywhere had a lot of cute styles with a nice variety but everything was cheaply made. Prices are good enough but you have to do so much haggling that you start to wonder if it’s even worth it! I didn’t put any emphasis on this because of the lack of quality and the general rule of every shop owner that ‘one size fits all’ (AKA, size 0-4), which clearly excludes my royal thickness. Skirts and tops were too short, pant legs barely got up past my knee before getting stuck, and I didn’t even bother glancing at shoes because I already knew the deal. But while I wasn’t glancing, I did notice a lot of really cute and original styles!

Insects

Mosquitos are tearin’ my butt up! Everywhere in Asia has been bad. I’m in the airport right now getting eaten up for no good reason. Constant irritant. And I can’t be certain, but something else has been nibbling at my ankles and shins. Ants? Something in the ocean? It will remain a mystery. Unless I die. In which case, someone should call for an autopsy.

Strange little facts and observations about Asia:

White is right

Asians apparently strive to be fair-skinned. I purchased some lotion and after using the entire bottle I read the only part that was written in English:

"Skin Whitening Lotion. Use daily to lighten your complexion and give you a fairer skin tone.”

All of the lotion in stores was either, “skin lightening”, “skin brightening”, or “skin whitening”. WOW. I really set myself back with that one. I had a nice tan going from being at the beach, too. But that’s history now.

Desperately digging for gold

I saw too many Thai people to count with their fingers stuck up their noses. The thing was, they weren’t trying to hide it. The worst was a go-go dancer all skimpily clad outside of her club trying to solicit patrons while going at it. They weren’t completely without shame, though. Not once did I see someone put that finger it in their mouth. *Light applause*

Dumbfounded

There are so many variables to this equation that I have to assume there are multiple answers. But the problem is that we were the locals’ main attraction all day everyday. I get the Foreigner thing but we weren’t the only foreigners, though we were the only foreigners walking under a constant spotlight. People were taking photos around us and pretending to be taking them of something else even when it was obvious that as the backdrop, we were the focal point. Most stared, some laughed, others pointed, some gave the ‘once over’ look, fewer took photos, some actually gaped with a confused look on their faces, and almost everyone noticed. I just walked tall and confidently with a smile on my face and took it as a compliment. (Hey! No one asked your opinion.)

I’ve gotta go, bad!

Not sure if this was strictly for my entertainment or what, but throughout an entire mall in Bangkok (Siam-something) all bathroom signs looked like the one above my head in this picture:

Bigfoot

I warned you that these Asian dudes are creepy with the claws but it wasn’t until I saw this kid playing RockBand at an arcade in Bangkok that I realized their feet weren’t exempt from the horror.

Final Night in Thailand

Bangkok, Thailand

So, I walked out of a mall this evening and into a crowded area with a stage. It turned out that a bunch of local high school-aged kids were showcasing their dance talents. I have to give them credit for putting energy into something physical, safe, and fun (insert inappropriate stereotypical theory for which I have seen zero cases for validation *wink wink*). But that's it. That's all that I have to give them credit for. I curse America’s Best Dance Crew for giving these kids hope that they can be America’s (or any country’s) Favorite Dance Crew! Most of these kids were far from terrible but none of them showed the potential to be anyone’s backup dancer, either.

My opinions are admittedly ethnocentric, despite my best efforts (at least I'm aware?). No heterosexual American male would willingly dance out some of the sequences that these kids were performing without feeling insecure about his masculinity. It's amazing how norms differ so much between cultures! It was also funny watching the girls because all day you see them running around town in their school girl uniforms (wholesome from head to toe: frumpy white button-up blouse, dark blue calf-length hideously pleated skirts, matching blue neck scarf, hair bow, high white socks, and black, buckled baby doll shoes) but on stage they were moving to a much more sexual beat. I don't know how to explain the night and day difference that took place up there. I seriously felt like I was committing a crime just by watching! It was like someone dropped a Mentos in a Coke bottle and shook that baby up until the top popped. Too young, too inexperienced, and too Westernized. Fathers, lock your daughters back up before they become "Ping Pong Players"!

Look at these moving walkways. I found them in the Bangkok airport. They are long and go up one level each. There were about five floors of them and I was entertained like a child because of the hilliness.

This was my final day in Thailand and tomorrow will be the final full day of my trip! Three weeks went by really fast. Wow. I’m sure that once I’m back in Australia I will slack on updating this thing. Just expect that, whoever is listening . . .

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say, Say Nothing At All

At the imminent risk of being insensitive, stereotypical, culturally ignorant, and rude, let me just say that it seems to me that Thai babies born as females have only a handful of choices in life: run a roadside shop; hawk sliced fruit; become a masseuse; be a go-go dancer, stripper, and/or “ping pong player”; or be a White Man’s girlfriend. Babies born Thai males on the other hand can: rent out umbrellas on the beach; drive various forms of taxis; rent out motorbikes; solicit tourists into ping pong parties; or have a sex transformation to become some White Man’s girlfriend. If these were my options, it’d be too tough to call.

That's all surface-level BS that I just spewed but seriously, Society....what's the deal?

Touring It Up!

Bangkok, Thailand

Did the tourist thing today. It was heavily recommended to seek out the temples in Bangkok so I set aside some time and knocked it out. Some were free but of course the ones that actually looked appealing were not. Paid the tourist price (overpriced but still reasonable at the exchange rate) to walk through the grounds of the Grand Palace.

Grand Palace

Would have been nice if someone would’ve let me know BEFORE I paid my money that most of the place was under construction, you aren’t allowed to enter hardly any of the temples and photos/video are prohibited inside of them. A security guard tried to confiscate my camera phone for lack of understanding. All the while he was harassing me, loads of other people were getting their shots off. This dude was a joke. I had to literally pry my phone out of his hands and he was trying to grab it back and shouting, “police!” He wanted my password and I told him he wasn’t gettin’ it. He knew English well enough. If he wasn’t such an ass he could have just asked me for what he wanted, which was to delete certain photos. In the end, I did because I have no use for a blurry photo of fake gold and a tiny green Buddha-- I’d already photographed 10 other Buddhas today, and guess what? They're all quite similar. That squabble with the local guard at least made my time in the Grand Palace remotely noteworthy. I’ll post photos but while things were pretty, they were inauthentic—at least in appearance. I’m not sure that they are truly historically significant because I see new ones being built on the streets today and I think they just want to take tourist’s money. Fake gold and gold colored foil everywhere. There may be a worldwide shortage in gold acrylic paint because of Thailand. Crafters, unite!

Outside Temple of the Emerald Buddha (where I was basically assaulted for my phone)

Just a cool golden statue

In front of Grand Palace

Inside a "gold"-filled temple (all look similar/same inside)

"Same same, but different" in Asian speak. They have T-shirts with this saying.

Remind anyone else of a warrior in Disney's, Mulan?

Tall guard statues. 'Bout 25-30 ft tall. Mostly gold.

Lots of their buddha statues are in this pose that has the right hand up in a "stop" gesture that I translated to, "talk to the hand". Can't really see the golden buddha's hand which just makes me look stupid.

"Golden" guards

Golden doorway (seeing a trend?)

Golden standing Buddha. Huge. Not good with heights so I don't know. 40ft?

Hate to sound so pessimistic, but even the Monks were a disappointment! They wore the orange garb, but they had far from a remote style of living. They were rockin’ iPods, smart phones, Ray Bans, and some were even taking photos of temples like they were the tourists (maybe they were on some type of sabbatical?). It was funny to be smacked in the face with the reality that movies are a crock of poo and that I was just as guilty of relying on them as the Australian population is of using them as a basis of their opinion of America--Everyone else, too. 

Harassed to the Max

Bangkok, Thailand

In lieu of playing the tourist, today I rode around town in a Tuk Tuk. These are just motorcycles with a covered cart attached to them. Their operators drive like crazy people and overcharge but I wanted to experience this unfamiliar form of transportation.

Tuk Tuk drivers had this promotional thing going where they would take you around to a few landmarks for very cheap but you had to stop a few places for them, too (of course, because everyone wants something). They got fuel stipends from travel agents, jewelry crafters, and tailors for bringing tourists to their places of business. We went along with the gimmick.

Here are a few snippets of ridiculously entertaining conversations that were had today as a result of us declining to make a purchase in different scenarios:

Scene 1: Refused Taxi...

Local: “Do you have 20 baht?”

Me: “No.” (Not a lie—my bro had it)

Local: “Ah! You come Bangkok with no money?!?! You STUPID!” Walks off.

Me: Laughs

Scene 2: After being schemed/forced into going into a tailoring shop...

Me: “I don’t want to buy a suit today.”

Local: “Ah! You shouldn’t shop at places like this,” look of disgust, “you too cheap.”

Me: Laughs (what else do you expect?)

Scene 3: After being hounded to go to a massage parlor and going inside for a look at the facility, I returned outside...

Me: “I don’t want one right now but if I do come back at all it won’t be for about two hours. I’m going to check out some other places, so I’m not sure yet.”

Girl harassing me: “Okay see you later!”

Later, as I am walking past the shop

Girl: “Okay, you come now!”

Me: “No. I’ve decided against it.”

Girl: “Why you say no?!? You, Liar!”

Me: Laughs

Scene 4: After agreeing to be a part of a scheme to go into another shop, was told the item I truly sought was unavailable but instead of letting us leave right then, a sales pitch was thrown to sell a tailored suit...

Me: “I’m going to look at other places that were less expensive.”

Local: Bitterly, “Why you didn’t just leave when I told you we no have? Why you waste my time?” and, “I think you’re still students. I think you need to go back to school. You have no knowledge. You need knowledge. You don’t have enough. You have a lot to learn.” Goes outside and spits on the ground.

Me: “Okay, thank you!” Laughs. P.S. - We're definitely not students. I took care of that paper years ago. But I should probably relay this message to my alma mater.

I could have said so much more or even pulled a Pretty Woman scene by flaunting the especially green bills in my possession (they feign for American money and I was SO tempted but that would be asking for trouble and add to the arrogant stereotype that Americans hold so dearly) but I took the high(er) road because I couldn’t stop laughing! That pissed them off enough. I thought about pulling out a wad of cash and saying to my bro, “He’s right. We should take all of this money that we don’t know what to do with and use it to pay for more schooling. We need the knowledge.” What do they expect? They are scheming and I’m onto their game. No one actually asked to be taken to a tailor! That is a pretty specific niche to be pushed into, unrequested. They might as well have taken me to an auto parts store for all of the relevance these shops had. Being pushy gets you nowhere with me. I'm Ayers Rock when I need to be.

Leaving Pattaya

Pattaya, Thailand

Had anyone ever before heard of Pattaya, Thailand? I hadn’t. Ended up here by a last minute decision to hit the beach. Let me just give it a little round of applause for being a marvelously unsuspecting good time. *cheers*

Our bus trip back to Bangkok confirmed my unsupported but otherwise certain suspicion that the bus we took to Pattaya was all kinds of wrong. The return bus was clean, organized (assigned seats), and even had a bathroom on board! I didn’t know this and taking a lesson from my last experience, I’d intentionally avoided a single drop of liquid all day prior to boarding. In fact, the last thing I did before getting on the bus back was to use the restroom at the station. They had a swivel gate set up outside of the entrance and charged 3 baht to go in the restroom! Once inside, I noticed that there was toilet paper in the trashcans but none in the stalls and figured it ran out. I asked the attendant whom I’d already paid if I could have some toilet paper. Her response was, “toilet paper, 5 baht!” Psssh! Guess who got blasted with the kitchen sink sprayer again? She did (no, I'm not referencing the attendant).

This bus was heavenly compared to the one we took coming out to Pattaya. That isn’t saying much but really, it was such a welcome relief! No more incessant horn honking, broken and filthy seats, lack of toilet, mosquito plagues, rude attendants, annoying television, violations of personal belongings (had an undercarriage), frequent drop offs and pick ups, or being left somewhere on the side of the road instead of at the station. Hallelujah!